Kimmy, I had anger built up inside me for YEARS and drowned it with booze, pills, sex, anything that would get me out of my body. What I didn't realize what that mixed in with the anger was alot of sadness. It is much easier to deal with anger than sadness cause you can get a much more satisfying "release" with rage than tears when you don't know how to express yourself in a healthy appropriate manner in either case. However if you're anything like me the guilt after blasting others that don't deserve (or even those that do) the attack then makes me even more mad at myself and the feelings of worthlessness are perpetuated all over again. What I finally ended up doing was going to an anger management group; initially because my ex-husband ended up sitting on top of me strangling me during a very vocal and nasty argument. It should never have gotten to that point but it did. I wanted to learn how to de-escalate any situation where mine or someone else's anger/rage could potentially get out of control. What I ended up finding out is that "I" also had/have anger problems; not just my husband. That was a hard pill to swallow but it saved my sanity and my life in the long run.I hooked up with the leader/therapist for some individual counseling after 6 months of group (he left group so I was able to do this) and I finally was able to get to the real issues of why I had been such an unhappy person and to start learning a new way of dealing with life.
It doesn't happen overnight but change can and does happen if you are willing to realize that it is not others that need to do the changing. And you need to be willing to remove those that trigger you from your life if they cannot respect those changes. It takes being okay with not being perfect and being okay with being in a place of non chaos. Some of us THRIVE in chaos! Okay enough from me.... I wish you love, courage, and strength to become who you want to be!
Tooter