I generally tell them. I've been met with a range of responses. Lately (like the past year or two), my T has been very good about listening and doing his best to understand and explain (and apologize in some cases) without being defensive.

In the first couple years I saw him, he did tend to get defensive if I told him that something hurt me (and sometimes would say things that hurt me more), and it tended to lead to a rupture--in one case, causing me to terminate, though I ended up going back a couple weeks later. I feel like the pandemic has made him more empathetic and humble (or maybe my terminating? as he seemed to shift after that, which happened about 6 months before the pandemic).

Ex-MC and ex-T both tended to get quite defensive. It was weird with ex-MC, because he was someone who would tend to be self-deprecating in general, but then if I was actually critical or mentioned that I was hurt, he would refuse to take responsibility at all. The final time, he was also gaslighting me, which ultimately led to us terminating (though I tried to repair it for a couple months).

I do feel like it's important to bring things up more quickly rather than letting them fester (or avoiding them altogether). I do think some of the ruptures with my T were in part *because* I held smaller hurts in, so really erupted when something became the last straw, so to speak (though I'm not discounting his role in them). Now I bring stuff up quickly (as does he), and it tends to get resolved quickly, instead of turning into a big thing.

I think another way that it's improved is before I would maybe send some long email saying how I'm upset, he might also respond in a long email, and tone tends to seem harsher in email. Now, I *might* send a brief email saying that something bothered me, but that I want to just discuss it in session. Sometimes he'll reply briefly clarifying his meaning and/or apologizing, other times, he'll just say we'll talk in session. It tends to go much better when we actually talk about it.