I nearly sent you another message today, but I decided to try and hold on to it. I miss you so much. I wish I was still able to see you, but I do understand. I don't think you ever fully understood the type of work that we were doing. Right from day one it felt like I had to kind of pull you along on this journey with me... I'm just insanely glad you came along for the ride (that sounds way more condescending than I mean it to!) And that you were who I needed you to be for the time I needed you to be it for.

I always said it would be like the Nanny McPhee quote, and whilst I couldn't see it a few months ago, I can see it now. "When you need me, but do not want me, I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I must go".

I am not sure I ever would have chosen to leave. Maybe this was the only way. I do still need you though, but not as my counsellor. I AM stronger now. I AM able to find ways to manage. I AM able to open up.... Way more than I ever imagined was possible.

And I have opened up more in the last six months BECAUSE you left. Because I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't, and because I had learnt that maybe the world wouldn't end if I did open up. It hasn't ended. In fact, opening up helps (oh my goodness, I can't believe I am saying, that... No, more than that, I can't believe that I actually believe that. I really have come a VERY long way!!!)

So thank you, I guess, in a wierd and roundabout way. And thank you for still being there in some unknown form. You will never know how much that means to me. How much I do need that. And I hope that maybe, just maybe, I can bring something to your life too. I don't know so much about that though, but I would like to give it a go. You deserve to have lots of people love you.