For me personally, Christmas has been a season filled with many associations, good and bad. It was lovely and simple and even glorious when I was a child. After we lost Mom at a fairly young age, it became even more important to be together at Christmas. It was a time to re-connect and enjoy one another's company.

However, in the years leading up to me developing MDD and GAD, our family went through a lot of unnecessary pain and trouble as a result of both my sister's and my stepmother's bizarre need to manipulate and control people, and destroy reputations. I experienced a series of painful breakups and a forced career change in my early thirties, and stepmother chose then to try and drive wedges between myself and people I was extremely close to. WHY she chose to do this is deeply pathological, and too complicated to explain here. But the end result was that Christmas, after her appearance in our lives, became more and more difficult to enjoy, as time went on. I got together for my father's sake, and my middle sister's sake, and later, for special reunions with my brother; but that was all.

It's years later, now. My Dad's gone (he was my hero), brother is sadly gone before his time, stepmonster is gone, and there is no central kind of unit to our remaining family, anymore. Even husband's family is smaller, and splintered, and does not really celebrate at Christmastime. So, we do the small, private nice dinner, wine, and enjoy decorating the tree, hanging wreaths, lighted garlands, etc. We watch old movies and exchange a few small gifts. This year, I feel strong enough to do a little baking on top of making dinner, as well.

I don't suffer from the anticipatory upset and ultimate dismay after get-togethers like I used to. I've gone through a lot of loss and grief and sorrow, and have survived and am stronger. I can now, gratefully, indulge in things that used to bring dread, many triggers, and painful tears.

A big, compassionate hug for anyone who still struggles at Christmas. I really DO understand what it can be like.