I feel like everything will fall apart because that's what I've been taught. That I would be let down every time I try - That's why I just slept all day and did drugs. But I need to get over that - Just now it feels to me like this good mental state won't last.. That I'll be in apathetic pain and end up suicidal (Not cuz I feel even 1% that way, but cuz it has happened so many times that I have insight). So I'll wait.. I'll try to try.