Quote:
Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy
This is a continuation from the thread I posted before about shame and low confidence. Coping with shame and low confidence
The more I think on it, though really I don't have to think about it, I think something was really off about the young guy training me. A part of me doubted myself, bc of what my therapist said ("Maybe you misinterpreted"). I think I was alarmed and panicked. I know when I'm not treated well. Something was wrong. I don't want to rehash the whole thing. I just wanted to say that.
I did talk to my therapist about the way I felt. Her response was somewhat strange and did hurt me / cause me more shame (she played it like it was just one idea of many and " of course its possible that I'm wrong too", the way she said it I struggled with), which I brought up in a following session and we talked out. I've decided to continue seeing her. Its entirely possible that she has more growth work to do as a therapist but for the most part I like her. I believe she took my feedback into account, too. (ETA: there's a lot of good stuff about her I like too).
I'm still looking for work, slowly, in my time. I'm looking into getting vocational support elsewhere besides that place that sucked.
I think...that with things that trigger us...they're things that happen in life. Like, I will face this again. Because, life. At the same time, it was a bit of a fluke too I think. Part of me thinks, also, that I did do the right thing by leaving. At the same time, like someone else said (hvert  ) and some ppl in my life have also said, I may need to try on a few jobs before I find the right one. Start strengthening my work muscle. |
You have a strong sense of metacognition and that's really a gift. Being self-aware of how we feel and what things makes us feel is both a curse and blessing. Mostly a blessing. Glad to hear that your therapist is working with you and that you're communication dynamics is really open.
Ever since I moved to a different city, I needed to see a new therapist and it's been difficult adjusting to a new person, a new environment, and a new set of dynamics when me and my previous therapist were already seeing each other for close to 2 years. But, this therapist was recommended by my previous therapist so I have full faith in her that she knows my new therapist will click. We're still in the awkward stages of breaking the ice though, I'm making sure to thaw myself out for her.
Also, if you have the privilege of going through and testing different jobs without worrying about your finances–I say go for it! The job we will have will typically be an 8-hour job, meaning more or less that's a third of your day 5-6 days a week! That's a large chunk of your life to be spending on things that do not resonate with.
I recently left a second job for somewhat the same reason. I've been trying to make ends meet, what with the Hybrid set up for work, I'm finding parts of my day being relatively free and I wanted to keep myself occupied. So I hopped onto the remote work train.
The job I applied for was for a SaaS company that did lead generation work for fellow SaaS companies (something like
this) and I was lagging behind heavily. I felt a bit of ageism was happening too since I was a new hire but I was one of the oldest members of the team.
Plus, I really thought I could handle it but Zoom or MS team calls just tend to cause me so much anxiety. I'm always constantly checking if I'm muted, if anything in my background is messy or embarrassing. I feel like something really bad is going to happen to me on camera.
What ultimately led to my resignation though was when a teammate chose to address everything I was doing wrong in front of the entire team. That felt like the final push to me just leaving.
I'm semi-traumatized in going for another go at the online job thing, but am planning on giving it a second try.
Hope you find the perfect job for you too!