i always feel like it will hurt my family if i kind of push it. i saw what it did tomy parents the first time around with john and he pushed the cause. they were hurt, and i would always hear them talking about how they may have failed as parents. the problem with speaking to my brother is that he doesn't really care, and i never see him anyway. he's one of those self-absorbed, always busy, never cares about others, kind of person. and then, there's the doctor that treated my brother ... he died. the first time i ever felt just overwhelmed and completely worthless, the very first thing i did was start a journal. on my bad days i write up to 8 entries. recently i've been writing less though, down to about a page and half. it really helps a lot.