@bpforever1

I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother. I'm also sorry to hear about your continued worries for your parents and your leech of a brother. It's hard when you care about your family, but they remain unhealthy and refuse help. Sometimes nursing homes would be best for that, but only the really good kinds that mandate vaccines for all staff (including the janitors, visiting nurses, doctors, front desk clerks, etc.) as well as all patients (unvaccinated patients would probably need to be separated in a different facility, so as to reduce the spread to the vaccinated patients). That would be ideal for your mother, considering that she might be dealing with a mental illness and can no longer make healthy choices for herself. And that would be way too much burden for any family member!

As far as your father, if he and your brother (his son) are okay or at least somewhat self-sufficient, then maybe putting only your mother in a nursing home would help every family member. Your vaccinated father (but not your unvaccinated brother) should be the only one allowed to see your mother in a good facility where most or all people there are vaccinated. That would be the safest and healthiest bet for longevity for her, as well as for your father (insofar that stress reduction will help).

Your brother really should get vaccinated to care for your dad and your mom though. He's putting them at risk, and hopefully not purposely.

You can't control what your brother does, nor can you control what your parents do. You can offer healthy suggestions and tips, but if they are unwilling to listen, then you can simply set boundaries with them all. It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing/black-and-white decision either. You can still maintain some contact, but you can limit your amount of time with listening to their venting when they offer no solutions to help themselves or even accept any solutions you offer. It's not fair to you to worry through their endless spewing of venting when you have enough empathy to feel their pain and suffering while feeling helpless. All of that stuff might bring up trauma triggers from childhood and beyond, which isn't fair to your own mental health.

So, boundaries (not walls) will help you to deal in this particular situation. They are somewhat "toxic," but there might be a way for you to remain connected and informed - so that you let them be aware that you still care, that you're limited on what you can do, and that you yourself have health issues that prevents you from being able to help them in the way that they need to be helped.

Perhaps you can cut off the phone for a while - like limit it to emergencies only and once-per-week phone chats (on a day of the week when you can mentally prepare, but not before bedtime or first thing in the morning), and then converse the rest of the time with letters mailed to them or emails even - so that they can read your suggestions on paper. Perhaps you could even find companies online with nursing home suggestions that you can fill out with their information, so that they can start receiving mailers to their house. You can set them up with that with or without letting them know that you did that for them, which could complement your letters and your verbal suggestions for them.

You can also fill out information to send to them about the importance of vaccination and other safety precautions, and perhaps target anyone in your family who remains unvaccinated. The world is becoming more and more vaccinated, so it is now taboo for the unvaccinated - as many businesses, companies, jobs, and careers are beginning to require mandated vaccines (flu and Covid-19), as well as the typical TB tests for certain venues. Spreading more awareness through mailers that you fill out online for them is a really proactive way you could set boundaries without having to argue directly with them. You're simply offering mailers to help them make decisions. If they toss it in the trash in the same manner that they toss your decisions in the trash, then you don't have to worry or see it or even hear about it. It would be up to them to call and have those mailers stopped, which will mean that they'd be speaking to people who are likely going to remind them of the importance of health, vaccinations, nursing home options for those with dementia or other illnesses, etc. Perhaps your father could take over and start setting boundaries with both his son (your brother) and his wife (your mother). Perhaps your father could be one to really convince with mailers, phone calls, etc.

But what can you do now to help you feel more in control, more calm, more collected, less black-and-white/all-or-nothing, more grounded?

What can you do today to distract from that stress and tension and focus on the good things - like your friends who care about you - in real life and on these forums?