Hi Tessa,

I am sorry you are going through this… but please know, you are not alone. I married at 25 and I am separated going through divorce now at 46. 21 years of marriage and she filed. (27yr relationship)

As I am being told, make sure you focus on yourself (mentally and physically) and focus on your twins. As I go through this process, that is the first thing I am being told, take care of yourself and if you have kids.

When my wife separated from me in Sept, I had a large amount of anxiety. Anxiety is no joke… painful, terrible stuff. There are nights I am not even sure I slept… Twilight sleep maybe? Now I am in the depression phase trying to raise my two girls (13 and 15) while my son (18) is away at college.

I hear ya, starting this new chapter isn’t easy nor fun. Do you have any kind of support network? Family to watch the twins or help out? Or is it straight up just you?

I find in my experience, to combat depression, I am exercising. I go for walks in the neighborhood of at least 4.5 miles (7.24 km) every day or as often as I can. This seems to help. I start doing (for me) pushups as well. Start off with 10 each day for a week, 15 in week 2, 20 in week 3 etc… Now I am doing sets of 50 at a time and doing a set on the hour every hour. This helps me keep going, endorphins or whatever they say is released, I feel, helps lower the depression levels. It doesn’t get rid of the depression… I am not sure anything will but time. But it helps lower it for me.

Loneliness… This one is tough… I am fortunate enough to have friends pitching in to babysit me. I try to plan ahead for when I do not have my girls (week off), to fill the schedule up with times/appointments with hanging out with friends. Whether it is just hanging out talking, going over to their house and cooking food, just anything to get out of the house and be social. The tough times, I find, are the evenings when I am home alone. Say the 9pm to midnight hours before you go to sleep. I am alone with my thoughts which typically head over to memories of me and my wife spending time together. Terrible really. I would recommend reaching out to family/friends if you have them.

You are finding it hard in general… please know that I think this is completely normal. I struggle with it every day myself. Just tonight, I watched the new James Bond movie and starting tearing up. My wife and I love James Bond, have every movie in Blu Ray and always went to the theaters to watch it together. And this movie… no such luck.

If you are able to get away and have someone watch the twins, are there any support groups nearby where you can attend? Church groups? Sometimes, not all, those might be good places to find others in similar situations where you can help each other out through this journey. If you are rebuilding the friend/social network, then I would just say to be patient. Keep going out if/when you can and meeting new people. You are building something new one brick at a time.

I hope this helps,

Jeff