I am sorry your mother is still emotionally abusive even all these years later.
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I feel like I must obviously be a horrible person, why else would both my parents want nothing to do with me?
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It is really unfortunate that neither of your parents were good enough to do their 'job' - i.e. parenting, loving, supporting the child that
they created and brought into the world.
It seems to you like
you are the horrible person, but you are not. Your 'parents' are the ones who ought to be ashamed of how they treated and are still treating their own child. It is not you ppink. And it is painful to acknowledge that.
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Are these feelings normal?
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Unfortunately, such feelings are common. As a child, depending on these adults to nurture, protect and love them, the child takes on the message that *they* are the problem. The child grows into an adult who believes it is their fault that their parents didn't love them. It is not the child's fault. It never is. It is the parents' fault. Always.