I spent Wednesday night and Thursday all day mentally (not physically) preparing to stuff the turkey I received as a gift on Wednesday afternoon. I was too tired to do any actual chopping or cooking of the stuffing on Wednesday and Thursday, but I did chop onions and celery earlier today - Friday morning. I had to take a long nap because I was too fatigued from my medical appointment on Wednesday morning, as well as all the grocery deliveries on Wednesday afternoon. I purchased a lot of fresh produce, since I didn't know what to expect with this Thanksgiving meal gift, and the giver at the Vet Center didn't have a clue as to what it included. I live alone, so I don't have a deadline like everyone else when it comes to cooking a Thanksgiving meal. Still, I wanted to do it right.

So all this time I'm preparing and researching the best recipes for a stuffed turkey. When it came time for me to actually look on the turkey's packaging to see how many pounds it was, I found out that it was already precooked. I tried removing the plastic things holding the turkey's legs, but couldn't. So then I tried putting it back on, but couldn't. I couldn't tell if there was anything inside that needed taken out. I decided to read the instructions further on the bag I had already removed late this afternoon. My eyesight is blurry for probably a number of reasons, so I'm having difficulty reading both up close in fine print as well as far away. So, I had to carefully lift my glasses to read the fine print a few times before I finally understood.

The unsalted butter I seasoned with rosemary, thyme, sage, good pepper, and sea salt - and then froze - will now be used instead to make stuffing (I do plan on making that with cranberry bits, walnuts, a freshly chopped celery, freshly chopped granny smith apples, a freshly chopped white onion, and a freshly chopped red onion. But I've already placed the half-thawed (still partially frozen) stuffing that the Thanksgiving meal came with, which I intended to use to stuff the turkey since I thought the turkey was uncooked.

All this time I could have just thrown the bird into the oven, waited 3 hours, give or take, and then get that done and out of the way (since now the sides will take more effort and time to cook than the actual bird), but no. Instead, I suffered through the anticipation of expending all the energy I had left - and then some, which would risk my worsening chronic fatigue syndrome/myalgic encephalomyelitis. All this worry for nothing!

Although no one witness my embarrassing cooking moments today, I still felt embarrassed nonetheless. I also get stressed about cooking things like this because I don't want to make a mistake and get food poisoning or something. I try to make sure that I clean as I go, and I use nitrile gloves now to handle food. I still wash my hands afterward, since there might have been trace amounts on my wrists (where the gloves don't reach). I also stress out because I could smell my neighbors' turkeys cooking, even though my single window and apartment door is fully closed. This makes me worry about the possibilities of shared air coming into my apartment and possibly infecting my apartment and my body with pathogens, including any potential coronavirus. I suddenly found myself in panic mode and obsessing over my bathroom's supposed "fresh air" coming from the roof to both deposit and suck up air in my bathroom, as well as any other portals (like electrical plugs or improper sealants on the front door or window). I also have the central heating on in my apartment, which is also supposed to use "fresh air" from the rooftops. Months ago, when the pandemic first began, I asked the maintenance man if the central air or bathroom air was shared with other tenants, and he said no. He did say that there was positive air pressure in the hallways that enter our apartments when our front door gets opened, and so those downwind might experience more of shared air that way than those living upwind on the same floor. All the studies and videos by experts like Dr. Marr from Virginia Tech have suggested that apartment dwellers, condo dwellers, townhome dwellers, and the like pose the greatest risk for aerosolized ("airborne") SARS-CoV-2 and other respiratory viruses, which can lead to diseases like Covid-19, pneumonia, upper respiratory infections, long-Covid, severe influenza, etc. So, I've done what I could to safeguard my apartment and myself this entire time, but smelling Thanksgiving from neighbors made me feel like my efforts were worth nothing.

I have to tell myself that even Dr. Marr suggested that it would be challenging for aerosolized virus could wrap around and up vents and through our central air systems, though it may still be possible since studies in other countries have found poorly constructed plumbing and apartment buildings did lead to a high chance of indirect community spread of SARS-CoV-2 (the virus that can lead to the disease we all know as Covid-19). So, I try to pray or think safe thoughts that maybe I'm still relatively safe because maybe the smells are finer than the virus particles.

Meanwhile, I'm making my own smells tonight with my precooked turkey, which I placed in the oven about 30 minutes ago.

All this worry and anxiety because I might be immunocompromised and have a family history of immunocompromising conditions. All this worry makes it challenging for me to even enjoy Thanksgiving alone. This alone is enough to feel ashamed and/or embarrassed about.

I just can't seem to enjoy anything because I'm worried about everything being contaminated.