Depressed again. So yeah, I ate like ****. It just makes me feel worse about myself but I do it anyway. We did buy a lot of fresh food at the store so I can at least try better tomorrow. I won’t though. I hate myself.

I took double seroquel and a little Xanax last night and as a result, I couldn’t wake up fully until 10:30 and then just laid around until I heard RS’s truck pull in. I jumped up and went to the kitchen to wash the dishes to make it seem like I’d been doing something useful. I picked up the house a little and finished decorating the tree with my son.

I’ve had three hospital dreams in a week. The first one, I got stuck back IP before thanksgiving and was so ashamed for it, and RS was so disappointed he didn’t want to talk to me. The second one I was stuck in the state hospital for children again. I was trying to figure out how to escape. When I woke up I felt trapped, and I actually had to think about the security of the cottage I stayed in. I remember the double doors in the front and I have to wonder if they were completely locked, programmed to only open if the fire alarm went off. It would make sense, I mean after all it was considered an inpatient unit, not a residential program. I never could have gotten out anyway, the place was so small a staff member would have been within view at all times.

All I can say is I’m glad the place got shut down and eventually got burned down by vandals.

Anyway I hate it when I get dreams like this, it always means I’m in trouble emotionally.

Sigh. F everything.