Personally, for me, I experience pandemic trauma in the following ways:

1. Anti-Asian hate - I've experienced it online and via phone calls during this pandemic. I did report these instances to the AAPI's database. I'm a multiracial, multiethnic Asian American and European American.

2. Fear of contracting Covid-19 - I isolate, wash my hands frequently, use a lot of PPE, and avoid people and situations where the virus could be lingering in the air.

3. Fear of contamination - I use single-use washcloths to dry my hands and open cupboards and doors within my own apartment, since there is, in fact, shared air that flows from the hallway to my apartment. My area and apartment complex has many people who refused to get vaccinated or wear masks or both.

4. Relational loss - I've lost many friends and family relationships because of the divides. Honestly, it's better that I find my tribe within my family and among my like-minded friends anyway. I've felt like I know who my real friends are because of their mutual level of concern for our health and safety.

5. Career loss - I no longer feel safe studying in brick-and-mortar schools because of anti-Asian hate and this ongoing pandemic. My mental health has worsened to the point that my brain fog has drastically increased, and my inability to concentrate has also drastically increased. I also have worsened chronic fatigue syndrome/myalgic encephalomyelitis (CFS/ME), which leaves me both bedbound and homebound on a daily or weekly basis.

6. Identity loss - I no longer feel safe being in a multiracial Asian body, and I no longer feel like I was the confident, intelligent person I once was who graduated with highest honors, won many awards, and published a paper in a peer-reviewed journal. I'm no longer that person, though I felt this way before the pandemic hit. It's only gotten worse since the pandemic hit. I have experienced worsening conditions ever since 2016, to be honest. But the pandemic of 2019 made it far worse for me.

7. Mental health loss - All the progress I made in certain areas have come undone, and I've worsened in other areas. I struggle with pandemic stress like everyone else, but I also struggle with continuous traumatic stress because of my fears of the present and the future, fears of the threats on my life, fears about dying a traumatic and violent death (being "throat raped" with intubation, for instance, or experiencing hate and discrimination in terms of medical malpractice and being isolated as I die alone), fears about dying alone in my apartment with no one to check in on me, fears of becoming even more disabled than I am now (and unable to care for myself, walk, talk , breathe, type, etc., due to long-covid and debilitating severe effects rendering me bedbound and on a walker or oxygen tank), etc. I have become more obsessive-compulsive about wanting to control my own safety, since I fear that no one else truly cares for me, and since it is hard for me to trust family, governments, and friends. My dissociation has worsened, as there are new alters taking over to deal with certain aspects of this pandemic, including Isabel. My PTSD has worsened because I have more nightmares about military sexual trauma, childhood sexual abuse trauma, parental racism against myself and my Japanese mother by my own European father, childhood bullying trauma, workplace harassment trauma, domestic violence trauma from the past, etc.

8. Physical health loss - my fatigue has worsened, my weight was gained, and my bloodwork and other labs show up abnormal since 2019 (anemia, nodule on thyroid, uterine disorder, upper respiratory infection in March 2020 - which took 3 months to heal, prediabetes risk newly detected, abnormal thyroid, abnormal blood tests, abnormal pap, etc.). I doubt that I'll ever be able to rehabilitate through the VA's VRE program now. I also doubt that it's worth me saving for cosmetic surgery and braces to improve my looks when my own health is now eating up all the costs, including the expense of door deliveries (via ultimate isolation) and PPE. My eyesight has also worsened.

9. Increased externalizing issues such as anger, irritability, suicidality, interpersonal relationship problems, lowered tolerance for even minor distresses, paranoia, distrust, avoidance, isolation, depression, obsession, rumination, compulsions, stress eating, nail and skin picking, and more.

10. My intelligence, drive, and focus are no longer there, and I fear that I no longer have any meaningful purpose in life. I fear that I will die without leaving any good legacy behind.

11. My worry about my daughter, who was adopted. I haven't been able to meet her in person, and this pandemic has stressed my relationship with her adoptive mother. My daughter is an adult, and I fear that I'll never get to meet her before I die. I also fear that something bad will happen to my daughter, since she is Asian, too.

12. My loneliness has increased. I hate social distancing and isolating, and I hate wearing masks, and I have no energy to clean all the time. But I do it as part of my civic duties as well as because that is who I am. I am also terrified and dealing with worsened mental health symptoms and disorders, so that factors in. I fear that I'm unlovable, unlikable, and even invisible. I fear that I am hated and don't matter.

13. My thoughts while awake are wacky - as if I'm dreaming while awake. My nightmares have drastically increased. My dissociation has also increased. I fear that I have no control over my thoughts, though I seem to be okay when typing or doing research. It makes more sense when I read about what others are going through, even in other countries. I can relate, though I get retraumatized sometimes, so I have to limit what I read. It's a bittersweet way of not feeling so alone and validating my bizarre thoughts, but it also risks more trauma.

My coping for all the above include:

1. Setting boundaries with others concerning political talks that differ from my own values and worldviews.

2. Finding my multiple tribes, since I'm multiracial and multiethnic, which makes it more challenging to find a tribe when most tribes are notably homogeneous. There are few studies about the struggles of multiracial and multiethnic persons like me, who don't always fit in with the Asian crowd, and who aren't seen as European at all.

3. Seeking social support for my mental health through my therapist, the Vet Center, the Veterans Crisis Line, my recreational rehabilitation therapist, online support groups, local friendships, filial friendships.

4. Distracting via cleaning, organizing, watching television shows (mostly reruns because anything new is hard for me to concentrate on).

5. Maintaining physical safety through social distancing, isolating in place, following the science on aerosolization, and wearing PPE when I am exposed to shared air space.

6. Maintaining emotional safety by listing off all the safe items in my home, in myself, among my alters, and locally.

7. Using grounding techniques to deal with my dissociation, such as internal family systems coping, listing safety items, moving around to feel my body again, sometimes breathing.

8. Using self-care techniques like trying to stick to a routine the best I can, trying to find a healthier diet, trying to maintain cleanliness with hygiene and disinfecting surfaces, keeping my air purified through air purifiers, resting intermittently, pacing myself, reading more information about my many physical and mental health disorders and symptoms, listening to music, reading, pacing, doing "exercise snacks" with walking around inside my apartment or doing chores, and sometimes giving myself a beauty treatment.

9. Limiting my news reading to 1 hour per day at most, but ideally 1 hour per week when I'm super stressed.

10. Getting vaccinated, boosted, and checked up when it is recommended and/or safe to do so.

11. Reporting unwanted calls to the FTC, as well as fraudulent texts to the FTC. Maintaining my identity safety through reporting and monitoring my credit and bank accounts daily.

12. Allowing myself to express anger, rage, frustration when I can safely do so, and in cathartic ways, such as when I utilize advocacy the best way I can, despite my other mental illnesses getting in the way at times. It's important not to bottle all these feelings in.

13. Expressing sadness with my T, which is safer than me expressing that alone. Sometimes I need to call the Crisis Line to do so.

14. Keeping and maintaining a safety plan for when I'm suicidal.

15. Trying to help at least one person a week, or at least helping myself when I have no energy to help anyone else.