Today T brought up again this self defense course for women that he thinks I could really benefit from taking. I told him I had actually signed up for the course, which takes place in a month, and I was going to take it with a friend, but I'd forgotten to tell him. He was overjoyed and wanted to "give me more than a hug" and he made a hug motion with his arms. He told me again how he thinks this course could change my life, would be very empowering, and help me learn to set all kinds of boundaries. (I am not good at that.) He is familiar with this program and told me there is a graduation ceremony on the last day, and all the women get to show off their self defense skills by incapacitating male attackers. And all the audience applaud and cheer, etc. He said I can invite friends and family to watch the graduation and anyone that I want to share this with. You can invite anyone, he repeated.

Well, c**p, it seemed to me he was practically begging for an invitation. He didn't say, "I would love to attend your graduation," or anything like that, but I know I am not imagining that he would like to share in this or wants to give me the opportunity to invite him. C**p. At the end of the session, after many intervening topics, he again returned to the graduation. This time he told me how he thinks my daughters could really benefit from attending the graduation and seeing their mom so empowered. And you can invite anyone you want. C**p.

I don't want to invite T. I am very shy and self-conscious, and I don't want him to see me busting guys to pieces. If I can even learn to do that. What if I screw up? What if I am the only one among the women who doesn't learn the skills well? I don't want to worry about him being there when I am trying to complete the course. I know this whole course was his suggestion, so maybe he feels some ownership over it, but I don't want to see him in this capacity. Heck, I never even wanted to let my mom attend my soccer games when I was little. It is exactly the same feeling. I remember the other girls had parents who came to watch them, but mine never came. One time I asked my mom to come and she did. Afterwards she was not very positive--my mom, the perfectionist. I have vague memories that she was critical of my play (she knew nothing about soccer). I never asked her again.

All this was under the surface at the session, and I was not aware of the stress this was causing me. I just shuffled it aside, as usual, not even realizing I was shuffling. When it came time to set a new appointment, T asked me what day I wanted to come in. Instead of picking a time the next week, which I almost always do, I skipped a week and picked a day the week after that. I think I just somehow felt like avoiding him. I don't know. I'm just walking from moment to moment driven by my unconscious and not knowing a d**m thing. Now it all seems obvious that I was uncomfortable with the possibility of his attending my graduation, and very uncomfortable at the prospect of having to tell him no, he couldn't attend. Just very anxious, stressed, weirded out. Of course I knew none of this. But my unconscious knew enough to not schedule a session next week so I could avoid dealing with this.

So here I sit with 2 weeks between sessions and feeling like I need to see him tomorrow.

What I wish is that I could somehow sense what I am feeling when it is actually happening. Instead, I have a delayed reaction and only figure it out later. Why couldn't I know how this made me feel when I was there with him and discuss it with him? Why is that so hard? How does a person learn to do this?

Now this self defense course, which made me a bit anxious just to sign up for, is a source of even more stress. T has practically suggested I invite him. Should I raise this topic with him and tell him how I feel? Or should I just pretend like our conversation never took place and never mention this again? After all, he did give me the space to not invite him.

I think some of you might comment that his attending my graduation would be a boundary violation, but that "labeling" of this issue doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He is my T, we are close, he suggested this therapeutic self defense course to me, and he would be very proud and happy to be there when I complete it. I don't think that's so wrong (plus I do see him outside of his office for legal meetings, so it's not like he doesn't exist for me outside of his room). Then I have this crazy thought: well, he didn't invite me to his wedding (a couple of months ago). And then I think I should be grown-up now and able to get over this deja vu feeling of "mom never wanted to attend my soccer games" (or anything, for that matter). I should want him there to celebrate in my success, right? It feels like I am somehow a failure because I do not want him there.

Sorry so long....