Hi there, this is my first day on the forum! I was searching for a place to share this so other people won't undermine themselves the way I just did. I have been feeling all this shame and embarrassment for letting myself get used again. I allowed someone to walk all over me and ignore my request.

Naming is important and you get to choose what you want to be called.
Sorry, this is a little long but I think it is important not just try to be polite and please people because it ends up being painful and harmful to yourself and your boundaries in the long run.

It is so important to have good boundaries and to notice you are being used and abused right away instead of the delayed reaction I often have.

This man from my past that I knew in my 20s from a job we had worked at together, found me online and contacted me. We had gone out a few times but never dated or anything, just friends.

He seemed friendly and it was nice to catch up through email and then we talked on the phone and it was fine to chat and I enjoyed his conversation except that he insisted on calling me by the old name that I had back then.

I explained that I wasn't called that anymore and hadn't been in a long time and preferred to be called my new name.

I actually went to court and went through getting a legal name change from my birth name because I didn't want to keep a name that I associated with abuse and neglect from my past.

But he insisted he liked calling me that and that he meant no harm. "you understand" he said.

I felt kind of weird but let it go, which was a mistake.

He went on and on about how beautiful I had been back 35 years ago and how he had been smitten with me at the time but had been too shy to follow through and had been so intimidated by my confidence and independence.

I said I had not been confident at all but I was well behaved and tried to appear normal, and that I hadn't thought he had been interested.

I hadn't felt that we had that much in common and we had drifted apart after the job was over.

After our talk, he emailed and said it was nice to talk and catch up. I replied that it had been nice and left it at that.

I didn't see any point in keeping in touch because I am now 62 and don't look anything like I used to and told him that right away and that seemed like the main interest he had was how I had looked in the past which seemed kind of odd.

so there was no point, no real friendship or relationship possibilities to speak of. So it felt kind of cruel that he kept bringing up how beautiful he had thought I was back then.

Then 8 months later or so he called again out of the blue and went on about how his company had been bought and he was going to probably be let go. it wasn't money he was worried about just that he didn't know what to do with himself and didn't have anyone to do things with or talk to and felt at a loss.

I was kind of shocked that he didn't seem to feel any awkwardness about calling me out of the blue after 8 months but I let it go.

I sympathized and listened and laughed and had a good time catching up again.

But I cringed when he kept calling me by the old name because I really don't like being called that and it felt disrespectful.

When I mentioned it again he said he just thought of how he knew me from the past and liked it and said again "oh you don't mind if I call you that."

I am overly polite and non-confrontational by habit so I didn't push it. but it bothered me.

He joked that we should get married because he had money and could take care of me and I could stop working and how we were both intelligent and he was lonely. I laughed and let it go.

We hung up agreeing that I would call him for a change the next day on Thanksgiving for a quick chat.

It wasn't that big a deal to me but I had promised to call him for a change so I called and got his message service.

We also exchanged an email about a couple of books and he didnt acknowledge my email response.
When he didn't respond for a few days I realized he was probably just calling any attractive women he had known in the past who he could track down and who would let him dump on them and feed whatever little fantasy he had going on.

Oh! It dawned on me that was why he didn't feel awkward about calling and going into his feelings after 8 months of silence on both our parts.

That he didn't call back or respond to my email because he had gotten his little thrill already.

I felt all dirty and smarmy and realized I had just been used by this creep.

He finally emailed to apologize for not getting back to me on thanksgiving and giving a lame excuse about spending the whole day with his contractor for the house he is building,

I responded that I hoped his house was ok and finally told him that I would hang up on him if he called me by my old name again.

He wrote this angry email back "Way too harsh! Not ok with me. I think of you as I knew you before and if that doesn't work for you. Fine. Carry on."

But naming is really important and it is ok to change your name and to be called what you want to be called.

I don't want to be "thought of has he knew me before" I want to be treated like a human being and have my wishes respected in the present and not be some convenient fantasy/fly-in-amber he can just call and reminisce with when he needs to.

So the point is this stuff is subtle. Don't be sidetracked or fooled the way I was.

You might be thinking, what's the big deal? You are being too sensitive. etc.

People who trivialize your wishes or requests and make some excuse as to why they are disrespecting you are not your friend and you don't have to tolerate them for even a minute.

You can hang up or walk out or delete them or block them or be really firm in your communication the first time they do something that is not acceptable to you.

Women especially are trained to be nonconfrontational and appeasing and pleasing. STOP IT. It will blow up in your face later if you do not stand up for yourself right away.