Sunrise, I so feel what you are going through right now. I am not going to "label" the rights or wrongs of inviting or not inviting T. If I were in your position, I would not invited my T either. I think you not wanting to invite T is an oppertunity to practise your "boundaires".

Perhaps your T wasn't infering you invite him? sometimes I have whole senarios and storys and conversations going on in my head and realise I've fit the conversations to fit my thinking. Of course he may have been, but you really dont know for certain, but what is certain is how you'd feel about him being there, so you can work with that.

Perhaps your also struggling with really wanting him there also? and to balance this split you've tried to prove it by distancing the session?

You ask when will you experience the feelings in the moment? I guess with time is the only answer to that.

Hope the course goes well for you, and hope my post doesnt sound like I know it all, coz I dont but these are just thoughts I had as I read your post.