I messed up, I was 16 days clean... and I just lost it. I've been struggling to come to terms with it

I need to feel through this numbness. My PTSD has been on fire. Triggered by a few things. I've been having flashbacks from when I was a kid.

My mother threatening to hit me, begging me to push her over the edge, then I wake out of it, like I'm trapped in a bubble, watching myself react to it. I'm realizing my trauma might be more focused on Cptsd... I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

My breathing and grounding skills aren't helping. The emotional abuse I feel after is so real, I feel very responsible for what happened, for everytime I sent her over the edge. It was my fault, I deserve to be punished for that.

I feel like I'm walking thru my life indifferent to everything, trying to guess how I'm supposed to act, or be, or do. I feel crazy most of the time, with no clear direction. I can see everything in my life starting to suffer beyond my control.

Urgh, I just want to pretend that I'm normal for 1 day. Instead of clouded by this shadowing darkness, it's suffocating.