Not sure where to put this. I remember as a 4yr old being in hospital. This was the 60's and a time before it was thought nesscesary to have parents stay with their children.

I remember lying in my cot, and (man was I outraged that i had to sleep in a cot and not a bed) I so wanted the nurses to touch me, to love me but I was to ashamed of these feeling, so I would pretend I was asleep but stick my arm out through the bars and have the nurse pick my arm up and put back and I remember the feeling of joy and shame at this.

On the 2nd day in hospital I was sitting at the dinner table with the other kids and a clown came in. I remember the other kids seem to be able to go with the flow of the whole hospital experience, but I was stuck in a kind off grief.

I did venture to make friends with one child that was in a side room and didn't come out, I guess I identified with the abandonment of this child as I experienced it, alone in a side room and not wanting to join in, like myself also.

Back to the dinner table and the clown, I am sitting long faced just managing to "get through" the experience and the clown bends down and trys to make me laugh. I remember I didnt move nor acknowledge him or his attempts to dismiss my pain and grief.

To this day this is a strong memory for me. I have never like clowns. What I do remember though is someones genuine caring. I was sitting crying as I had just been told on the day I was expecting to go home that I has a fever and might not be able to go home that day. I sat crying and the auxilery nurse was mopping around my cot and asked me what was wrong? I guess its that she "SAW" my suffering and didnt try to change it immdiately like I felt the clown had. I told her what was wrong and she smiled adn said, "don't worry, it will be ok" I remember that womans kindness to me.

To this day I hate people that like the clown only think that making you happy or satisfied in the instant is what is needed. I always feel its more about their inabilty to bear your pain or their own and hate that they think I can be pulled into this glossing over the feelings.

I guess thats why I work so well with my T, I like she asks me and will go into the pain with me and doesn't try to make me laugh like taht clown did. I can't be bought off.