I've experienced a similar kind of confusion, it is hard, it hardened my heart, cause of feeling guilt for feeling rage/hatred,,,,

all I can say for me, was that it took time..... but i focussed on who had the greater power over whome,,, and the quieter voice always said the same thing,, that is , the other person,not me,

hope this helps ....i dunno,

but thinking of you,as I read

remember how precious you are.....

alevin