Hi Tessa,

I hear you on the support system. Thankfully, your mom can help out when she can. That is something, right? Sounds like a ‘remote’ support system.

I know exactly what you are saying about having a guy friend. I saw a friend this past weekend (who is a woman) and we just hung out pretty much the entire day. We watched football, drank, had lunch and dinner and just talked. It is amazing to me what its like just to talk to someone without being criticized or judged. She was genuinely interested in wanting to hear what I had to say and she just listened. No complaining or getting upset trying to control the situation.

Some people have told me about the dating apps and maybe consider going out with someone to get away. I just don’t feel like that is the right way to go. And perhaps, you just confirmed my suspicion. So thank you for that… I think grieving and time will be the proper way to get through this so I can actually heal, not bring any baggage with me and so I can move forward. Kind of like losing weight maybe, there is no magic pill, just time and hard work.

So it sounds like you believe going out with someone new (rebound?) isn’t the best approach? It doesn’t make you forget about your prior relationship or the pain huh?

With the twins, I imagine you are always moving! My kids are a little older and they have their social networks etc… So they are usually talking to friends. I have tried to talk to them about being open and if they have any questions, they can come talk to me. But they have not. We are all just trying to get through this together.

Agreed! Spending time by yourself is hardly ideal. I get caught up in my own thoughts and start thinking about my relationship that is dying. Then that sends me into a spiral where I get sad, upset or depressed. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Even remotely via a zoom call? I see a therapist twice a week since the beginning of my separation and I find it beneficial. I am journaling what happens through this process and we discuss that journal during my sessions. I find it cathartic as I am writing/typing stuff down to get it ‘out’ and off my chest. As I am writing, I come up with questions to ask the therapist on how to get away or remove certain thoughts.

But for me, nothing beats lining up friends/schedules to see them when I have down time. Hang out, watch tv, cook out with them or just sit and talk.

Thank you. Exercise has helped so much. If you can find the time, please give it a go. Being unmotivated/exhausted, just try to walk and get the mail, or go once around the block. Anything, the first step is always the hardest. But what I found out in the beginning is that it gets easier. And even with walking, after 2-3 weeks, my energy level start increasing and I liked the way it made me feel. Almost as a metaphor, you feel like you are moving forward in life instead of staying put looking for your way out of this. Even if its around the block… you are moving forward and bettering yourself. That is what I kept telling myself as each day passed. This is for me and this is me moving forward.

Yeah, I have never had anxiety attacks in my life until now. Scary… some nights while trying to sleep I wondered if I would wake up in the morning. What would my kids do or think? Who would notice? But I took each day one at a time and tried to get through them and be true to myself until that storm passed. I still feel some anxiety yet but nothing as bad as it was in the beginning. Seems to get a little easier with each week.

Not crazy, that is a pretty cool way of looking at it actually. Never considered that… perhaps even your shadow coming together and pulling yourself forward up and out. I like it!

Yeah, my support group and friends have been truly amazing. I have never been one to ask for help, I have always been able to care for myself and my family. But this is overwhelming and very emotional. I don’t know what I would do or where I would be without them. I get very emotional when I see them all answer the call and come running to help me in any way possible. Truly blessed. Thank you for the hug. Hug back to you!

Don’t give up… I imagine the support groups are probably not online.

This helps me immensely. This is my first Holiday Season without my wife in 27 years. I still need to find the strength/time/energy to hang some lights up for the kids along with the Christmas tree.

Jeff