Update:

Thanks again for all the advice and especially the kind emotional support ❤️

I was able to get a consultation with a lawyer in my area with years of experience working in Domestic Abuse cases. I told her my full story and she was definitely helpful. The situation is complicated and many of the arbitrary distinctions in the law don’t really help me here.

She said that I am not eligible for a protective order, only a peace order in my state because his behaviors qualify only as “harassment” and not “stalking”. For a Peace Order, I need to have physical proof, email or text message, within the last 30 days that a judge would deem significant harassment. He would be notified of the temporary peace order and would be able to appear in court with a lawyer to fight it and if granted the Peace Order would only last six months. Then he would be free to harass again.

Most of his abusive statements were made in person over the last month. I have screenshots, emails, texts, etc from the last few months and over the entire six years. But over the last month, he hasn’t texted or emailed anything that was “definitively” threatening. She is not sure if we would be successful in a request for a Peace Order. And she only suggests attempting it if we are certain we will get it because he will likely get very angry. She also worries that he could just wait it out and then blackmail me again in the future. She says she often sees abusers get enraged and become even more vindictive after peace/protective orders or threats of one. Another problem is that the problematic behaviors occurred in Massachusetts not my own state so I would probably need to get the protective order in that state for those behaviors to “count”. It would be tedious and expensive for me to travel to Boston to appear for the court dates. And I am not a resident of Massachusetts either.

She thinks that the best course of action may be for her, a lawyer, to send him a “cease and desist “ letter that might remind him of the gravity of the situation and get him to stop the harassment. She thinks that his career reputation will force him to cooperate, as he won’t want it to “get out” how he treats me. I am dubious that such a letter will have any effect other than to anger him and make him more aggressive. What if he uses his own lawyer to sue me? Then I would be struggling with large legal fees that I can’t afford ($384/hour) to fight him off. I told her that he wants the money back from various flights he bought. She agrees with me that this is a ridiculous request! She confirmed that any money spent on a relationship is a gift and he has no standing to ask for it back. She thinks we would win that legal case but it would be expensive and a huge waste of my time.

She said that, practically it might be best if I could just pay off the money he wanted to get out of this. I said I would if I had the money. Another problem is that he keeps changing the amount he expects me to repay!! First it was $2500, then he sent me a Venmo request for $3200, then it was $3750, and who knows what he thinks it should be now! This is such a paltry amount of money for him, he makes $15,000/month! So it’s just absurd. She agrees but thinks it would be easiest and fastest.

I suggested maybe we could write a promissory note/letter together with conditions that he stop harassing me and not email any schools, bosses, mentors, friends of mine and leave me alone forever, and I would pay him back this money over my years in residency. Then we could tell him this over a zoom meeting with all three of us. It’s such a small amount of money, in the grand scheme, for him to be threatening my career over. I think this makes the most sense. My lawyer was pretty unhappy about this. She says that helping me do this feels very unethical to her because he is entirely in the wrong here. I agree but the law isn’t written to really help people in my situation and without a protective order covering the next three years, I’m just scared.
I think this will be the best option but I’m taking some time to think about it. I think he will feel that he “won” and leave me alone.

She told me that she was going to give me this $384 hour long consultation for free after she heard my story. She also gave me the phone number of a local domestic violence coalition to call for more support. She also said that she doesn’t usually give relationship or divorce advice but, after hearing everything, she thinks this is an especially egregious case and that the relationship is so toxic and scary that I should never go back to his house and I should absolutely leave. His desire for a prenuptial agreement that prevented me from communicating with my parents was unbelievable. I said I agree and thanked her.

I have Talkspace through my health insurance and I pay out of pocket for BetterHelp as well because I really need to talk to a therapist each week. I have my first virtual video session with my Talkspace therapist tonight so hopefully that is helpful.

Thanks for reading and for all the support, friends ❤️