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Originally Posted by DevastatedinAZ
Hi Tessa,
I hear you on the support system. Thankfully, your mom can help out when she can. That is something, right? Sounds like a ‘remote’ support system.
I know exactly what you are saying about having a guy friend. I saw a friend this past weekend (who is a woman) and we just hung out pretty much the entire day. We watched football, drank, had lunch and dinner and just talked. It is amazing to me what its like just to talk to someone without being criticized or judged. She was genuinely interested in wanting to hear what I had to say and she just listened. No complaining or getting upset trying to control the situation.
Some people have told me about the dating apps and maybe consider going out with someone to get away. I just don’t feel like that is the right way to go. And perhaps, you just confirmed my suspicion. So thank you for that… I think grieving and time will be the proper way to get through this so I can actually heal, not bring any baggage with me and so I can move forward. Kind of like losing weight maybe, there is no magic pill, just time and hard work.
So it sounds like you believe going out with someone new (rebound?) isn’t the best approach? It doesn’t make you forget about your prior relationship or the pain huh?
With the twins, I imagine you are always moving! My kids are a little older and they have their social networks etc… So they are usually talking to friends. I have tried to talk to them about being open and if they have any questions, they can come talk to me. But they have not. We are all just trying to get through this together.
Agreed! Spending time by yourself is hardly ideal. I get caught up in my own thoughts and start thinking about my relationship that is dying. Then that sends me into a spiral where I get sad, upset or depressed. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Even remotely via a zoom call? I see a therapist twice a week since the beginning of my separation and I find it beneficial. I am journaling what happens through this process and we discuss that journal during my sessions. I find it cathartic as I am writing/typing stuff down to get it ‘out’ and off my chest. As I am writing, I come up with questions to ask the therapist on how to get away or remove certain thoughts.
But for me, nothing beats lining up friends/schedules to see them when I have down time. Hang out, watch tv, cook out with them or just sit and talk.
Thank you. Exercise has helped so much. If you can find the time, please give it a go. Being unmotivated/exhausted, just try to walk and get the mail, or go once around the block. Anything, the first step is always the hardest. But what I found out in the beginning is that it gets easier. And even with walking, after 2-3 weeks, my energy level start increasing and I liked the way it made me feel. Almost as a metaphor, you feel like you are moving forward in life instead of staying put looking for your way out of this. Even if its around the block… you are moving forward and bettering yourself. That is what I kept telling myself as each day passed. This is for me and this is me moving forward.
Yeah, I have never had anxiety attacks in my life until now. Scary… some nights while trying to sleep I wondered if I would wake up in the morning. What would my kids do or think? Who would notice? But I took each day one at a time and tried to get through them and be true to myself until that storm passed. I still feel some anxiety yet but nothing as bad as it was in the beginning. Seems to get a little easier with each week.
Not crazy, that is a pretty cool way of looking at it actually. Never considered that… perhaps even your shadow coming together and pulling yourself forward up and out. I like it!
Yeah, my support group and friends have been truly amazing. I have never been one to ask for help, I have always been able to care for myself and my family. But this is overwhelming and very emotional. I don’t know what I would do or where I would be without them. I get very emotional when I see them all answer the call and come running to help me in any way possible. Truly blessed. Thank you for the hug. Hug back to you!
Don’t give up… I imagine the support groups are probably not online.
This helps me immensely. This is my first Holiday Season without my wife in 27 years. I still need to find the strength/time/energy to hang some lights up for the kids along with the Christmas tree.
Jeff
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Hey Jeff
Thank you. Yes, my mom is great and they do have daycare twice a week and have occupational therapists go in and work with them there too which is amazing! My place of work and co workers/boss have been a great emotional support system for me as well. Community has been amazing and I never expected that!
Okay well to speak my truth, two weeks after my husband and I separated, I wanted to experience what it was like being with someone else because my husband and I were each others firsts. Long story short, I went on a dating app and matched with a guy, later that night we met up.
I had never done anything like that in my entire life. It was so liberating and such a rush to meet a stranger but in my control (I drove so that if it was unsafe I could leave). He was nice at first, a bit younger but sweet and kind and I told him the truth about my situation and he helped me through the beginning. I had never been through a breakup before and he really helped me with that. And yes he definitely proved me right that my husband and I just didnt match well physically! But he started not letting me have anytime to myself in even the slightest, and made me feel guilty when I wanted him to leave my house. We ended up dating /arguing/liking each other less and less for 9 months. He was using me for somewhere to live. I kicked him out at the end of July this year and you know, I ended up right back where I was, except not only did I feel like I lost a life long friend(husband) I lost this once comforting person too.
Anyhow, I guess its a bit different for me too because I didnt see anyone as a rebound. I hadnt been in love for years.
As for the dating apps for just meeting up for dates, again this is just my opinion. I trust people way to easy and it gets me into situations that I shouldnt be in. That when the rose tint wears off, the vision becomes horrifying. But I find the lesson at least!
I'm really glad to hear that your anxiety attacks are becoming less aggressive. I suspect that you are just becoming more in tune to your triggers and what it feels like when one starts coming on too, which is great if so. Or maybe you're just getting used to them. Either way, its all progress! I find that determining levels helped me a bit with that. Is it a mild one with just the pulse in my stomach? Or is it a bad one where all my skin feels like its on fire? Then it makes you compare: "Well this one wasnt as bad as the one last time" etc ... And as you are finding writing therapeutic, you could write your progress and strategies/foods you find help/hinder.
I used to be very much into running. I just dont find joy in it anymore. I didnt get the vehicle when we separated. I have been sharing my moms car and walking with the twins everywhere so I get lots of exercise(love my babies for keeping me in shape)! I was lucky enough to get a car last week right before the snow came and I am so thankful. My son has been laying on the sidewalks and in the street when I try to cross the cross walk when walking them home from daycare because of his autism. I was having severe anxiety attacks at work while thinking about having to walk them home by myself.bMy son is a giant boy for 3 and he will dead weight on me so that I cant lift him, all while trying to hold my daughters hand. Having a car now has helped lessen my anxiety greatly as I cant push a double stroller in the snow, and snowsuits are un-grippable.
As for therapy, I have a therapist who monitors me with medication. It helps.
Yes definitely get your Christmas ducks in a row. Get your support system around you. I would even suggest planning on going for a walk on Christmas Day if you're enjoying the walking. I found that its not that it was even a change, it was that he didnt hide his excitement for the holiday season in front of me. He wasnt having Christmas with me for the first time in years and wasnt waking up Christmas morning with his children, and he was full of glee.
I was not expecting that at allllll. Do something for you on Christmas to make it extra special even.
Tessa