Back story-
2.5 years ago while pregnant with my son, I discovered that my husband had been sneaking off in the middle of the night to use **** toys, and that that was something he had actually been doing for almost a decade of us being together. He didn’t tell me, I found out on my own one night when he thought I was sleeping. It was shocking to say the least.
When confronted, the only thing he had to speak on it was “I just like it, my ex and I used to do it together.” I think that was more shocking than what I saw. I felt betrayed, and hurt. He had never felt vulnerable enough with me to share that part of himself with me; but did with the woman before me; and it made me feel like I wasn’t enough for him that he was having to sneak off in the middle of the night to do this.
That conversation changed so much of our relationship. He never spoke on it again, never brought it up, even though he now admits he knew it was a turning point, he “didn’t have the balls then to say anything”. I didn’t either.
I was mad. I was mad he hid it from me. I was mad I found out the way I did, being so pregnant and insecure already, I was mad I had shared a bed with him for almost a decade at that point and didn’t know about this kink when I had always been so open in the bedroom with mine. I was also mad he didn’t give me the option to have an opinion on it, that I found out the way I did and was never given a better explanation or conversation on it. And I was mad at myself that all of that just festered and built up so much resentment towards him.
Covid hit shortly after, and I was already suffering ppd, and now was home all day everyday while he worked. Our marriage came to a halt, we stopped communicating, he was always exhausted and in a ****** mood, and I felt unsupported and unseen. He didn’t give me the space to have bad days, and if I got upset when he would come home in a bad mood and snap at me, he’d act like I had the audacity to respond. It was a lot, we both didn’t handle the qurantine well and since coming over out of it last year, we’ve both just been on auto-pilot.
We’ve had sex a handful of times since then. It’s been 8 months since the last time.
About 6 months ago I met someone online, and I didn’t realize it was even an EA until I found myself worrying how the person would feel when I was venting about things to them. He was just a close friend, and someone I could voice my concerns to about my marriage in ways I couldn’t voice to my husband (communication isn’t our forte). I do see how wrong that was though.
He found out and was incredibly upset, which he was allowed that and I know now just how hurtful that had to have been for him. I do take responsibility for it.
It’s opened up the door to conversations we should have had months and months ago, and especially about the kink that neither of us addressed.
I had found porn on a tablet we share of shemales and trannys, and that he had been downloading video chat apps that are known for virtual sex chats. The apps, he seems to have downloaded long before I got pregnant, but all he offered up with that was “that was unfair of me and I’m sorry”.
As far as the kink, he gave me history on it. It’s something he’s enjoyed since he was a teen that he’s ashamed of, and has only had one gf that was accepting of it; but she shamed him for it when they broke up. So he kept it from me. Which, I understand that, and I don’t blame him. He then brought up how he’d love to incorporate it in the bedroom and was a little put off by my immediate “no” on that. It’s just not something I find attractive and with all the resentment it’s carried for the last two years, and ultimately killing our sex life, I can say that that’s not a way I want to see my husband while being intimate.
I struggle a lot with wether or not it’s kink shaming, especially knowing I’ve lost attraction for him over the last two years and I know that’s part of it..
We finally talked about all of this. I was honest about my feelings and told him I wanted to start counseling, because I want things to get better, I want us to be us again. I’ve started sessions, but he doesn’t like that I go, and often makes snarky comments about it.
I’ve suggested marriage counseling, but he’s up and down on wether he wants to go.
This whole situation has been met with a lot of flip flopping. One second he’s trying to be understanding, the next he’s berating me and putting me down for our dead bedroom and saying it’s my fault, and I had an EA, and I’m the one who ruined everything.”. The last instance, he asked me to be vulnerable with him and just talk about the things that I resent, and be open and honest, and when I did, he completely turned on me. He didn’t acknowledge any of it, he just berated me for my EA and blamed me for how “backed up” he is and underappreciated. It was a slap in the face and I’ve been hesitant to bring things up since.
Since talking more about our issues; sex has come up a lot more, and he knows it’s just not where I’m at yet. But he still drops snarky comments a lot, or backhanded jokes and makes me feel so guilty.
We had a heart to heart the other night, talked for 3 hours and he talked about how he’s starting to realize he has “golden cock syndrome” which is apparently a sexually narcissistic notion that regardless of what’s going on in your marriage, your wife should still want to throw herself at you: and he gets frustrated when I don’t.
I was so happy that he acknowledged that because the shaming and the pressuring for sex these last few weeks have been a lot on me..
Last night though, he started with his eye rolls and frustrated sighs before bed, slamming things around, and when I asked what was wrong he snapped back that he was just going through a wave of emotions, and felt underappreciated and under****ed and we’re just getting closer and closer to a dead bedroom,
It feels like it’s always one step forwards and two steps back with these conversations..That he says what he thinks I want to hear, but then when my responses or reactions aren’t what he thinks they should be (I.e having sex with him), then he throws a tantrum.

Advice?