Welcome! Is it in the water here in AZ? Oi vey!

Man, I feel for you with this situation. I can relate to you more than you know.

My wife wanted a separation and then filed for divorce after 4 days. I assume that was part of her plan all the time. We set boundaries as to what was acceptable and what was not. Texting was included… so I texted hoping we can strike up a conversation. But it always came back to I was the cause of all of her problems in life.

As to what you should do? Every situation is different and when you are dealing with the human condition, there are a million more variables.

The one thing I can/will say is that it takes two people to make a marriage work and 2 for it to fail. It sounds like she might have “kept score” or held onto “grudges” and did let go what was bothering her a few years back. If she never brought it up, unfortunately for you, that is on her. She needed to voice her concerns or that you both need to get into couples therapy to work this out. It doesn’t sound like she did that… So communication could’ve been better. “You missed your chance” is acknowledging she knew something was wrong for her and perhaps did not voice it to you. And now it appears she has crossed a threshold…

As far as contacting and reaching out… it sounds like you did too much during this period of time. But rest assured, very common. I did it as well. I don’t think people going through something like this are as equipped as they would like to be when their SO tells them they are stepping out of the marriage for “time and space”. Very common.

I know the hell you are going through… You wouldn’t wish that upon your worst enemy. Instead of looking for reasons why or picking apart the relationship, sit back and think about any of the flags or red flags you might see now that you didn’t see then.

I would consider seeing a therapist for yourself so that it gets you talking and thinking things through with their assistance. Any hobbies? Go exercise or go for walks to kill time and get your mind off of things. Go hang out with friends and let them babysit you is needed.

But this looks like something you may have done or perceived to have done… but something she needed to communicate with you that is bothering/troubling her and she didn’t. Im not deflecting attention from you to her, but again, it takes 2 people. Same case with my spouse, 21yrs of marriage (27yrs total) and she says she felt her way for 6-7 years… I call BS… but if she did feel this way, why not communicate it? Why not go to therapy by yourself? I GUARANTEE it would have caught your attention and you would have been front and center for therapist meeting #2. But like my wife, your wife said nothing. She let it cook and marinade until she crossed a threshold and decided to pull the plug for now. It takes two…

Is she coming back? Impossible to say… perhaps a neutral text is in order saying that please take all the time you need to navigate her path. That you love her and please let you know when she decides which direction she wants to take.

And then the hardest part begins… You can’t contact her. You have to be patient, sit and wait… and pray that she appreciates the space you are giving her and the time for her to clear her head. I think that is the only shot you have if she wants to return. You have to let her be and show her you are respecting her wishes for time and space… Something broke and contacting/communicating may make things worse, which it sounds like is happening.

But again, very common. I did it as well… We have children together so being in contact is easier. But I have been on the emotional rollercoaster for the past 3 months with more ups and downs, twists and turns than I care to think about it. Incredibly emotional. And it does not look like we will be able to make it through this…

I hope and pray that your path together is different from ours,

Jeff