I wish I had known long ago the causes of my unpredictable anger and simmering rage.

After combat I spent years with a very volatile temper. I never knew when I would go off. The level of my anger was frightening to me and those around me. The smallest things would trigger a fit of anger. I threw things, broke things, and scared a lot of ppl with that anger. Fortunately, I didn't harm anyone physically.

At some point I was able to bury the anger along with a lot of the memories of combat. Since then, I've only been visibly angry one time, and then it took me about 3 days to calm down from the adrenalin and nervous upset.

But the rage is still there. People don't see it unless they know me really well. The most visible sign is how I shut down and go silent. There is probably some indication of it in my eyes, but only those who know my eyes best can tell it.

The rage is brought to the front with many sounds, not just the sounds of war, but loud sounds and those of certain frequencies make that rage race along the inside of my biceps and forearms. I can feel it in the backs of my knees and on the inside of my thighs. My chest tightens and my stomach muscles try to force me into action. My forehead throbs, and my palms sweat.

It's not just sounds that trigger this. I've tried to quit watching the news, but it is surprising just how much news we get even if we try to avoid it. The triggers are in the news about the war, street crime, killings, disasters. I just feel that I should be able to do something about all of this. That someone should take charge and fix things. *tears

Small things, too. Like the sound of a fork on a plate. Background chatter. Sirens. Helicopters. Jets. rock music -- the kind that was popular when I was at war and upon return. screaming children whose parents won't handle the situation...they usually don't need much, just a little attention, or a diaper, or food or something that can be taken care of for them ... it is probably more the lack of attention for the child more than the screaming that gets to me. Like in a store yesterday where I could hear the child screaming all over the store ... all the 2 yr old wanted was to ride in the cart.

And I talk to myself, saying "this is ok. It will pass. Calm down. It means nothing. you'll be ok."

Sometimes I'm tempted to return to the former visible anger just to make a statement. Instead, I let the anger race around in my system. If adrenalin and anger hormones could fuel a car, I could go to the moon and back on what I've wasted.

Is this what I was trained for? *tears