It's been a weird day. I really got my feelings hurt by someone who is more or less a stranger. Long story short, out of the blue I got a text from someone I used to talk to from a dating website. We met only once and they blew me off all the time, but texted me quite a bit. They said it was because they were shy. Well, I realized that something wasn't right and kinda gave up on it. (Plus, I was just trying to get my life a jump start, i wasn't looking for serious... just something since my divorce to make me feel I could perhaps move on.. so it didn't really matter. This person wasn't someone I even knew that well or had feelings for, but was the closest I came to hanging out or being a little more open with).

Well, talk about sleaze. The type of sleaze so thick you can cut it with a knife. This person has someone else, and they want me to be the side piece because said person thinks about me sometimes (but it has to be a secret cause the other one is kinda jealous). Oh, and I asked exactly why are you thinking about me now? You wouldn't give me a chance before. "Well, I just didn't like that you're older than me and don't have a job." .... the jerk being a jerk isn't surprising.. I AM surprised people are so open about being such disgusting people... but to be told outright I wasn't good enough because I'm not 20 something and working currently. Those are two things I have little control over right now. Age I can't control at all and working is not something I can handle as of yet. The world really does see me as a chore, in any respect -- friend, lover... it doesn't even matter. It really hurt my feelings I guess. It hurt even more to realize I have nothing to offer anyone else. Even if I am not trying to use someone for their money or other assets.. no one is going to see a catch in me.

I have therapy tomorrow, I don't know how that will go. I haven't kept up with my diary or homework. If she yells at me, I'll deserve it. I really didn't do my end of the bargain this week. Oh well.

Next week I see my psychiatrist to update her on the vraylar and talk about ADHD medications and how to go about that. After some extensive reading, I can get on board with the idea of ADHD. The title itself is a disservice because I dismissed it because I though "attention deficit" would mean inability to concentrate, at all, ever, or very limited. But I experience just the opposite a lot.. I delve into things very deep and hyperfocus. Which, to my surprise, is another thing associated with ADHD. I have the other symptoms too -- restlesness, starting 100000 projects and never finishing one in a short about of time. The amount of tabs on wikipedia I have open at any given moment is ridiculous. I'll be on there to read about X and end up with 15 tabs on subjects that seemed interesting based on links in that article. lol

Anyway, I'm just saying as far as the diagnosis of ADHD, i was a little skeptical, but if medicines can help, I'm willing to give it a try. Stimulants are luckily short lasting anyway -- if I don't like how i feel with them, I can stop taking them and not have to titrate or worry about side effects. We'll see where we go with that.

My mood is better than before. I am just OK, though. Latuda (when it didn't make me feel awful) made me feel great. I've been lucky and Vraylar hasn't cause any real issues side-effects wise but I don't have the same good feeling from Latuda. I'll see how that goes. I don't want to just up the dosage because this is much better than the depressions I've been in but not as good as where Latuda put me. We don't even know if that's a natural high.

Besides -- I'm doing all this work for what? To grow old and contemplate drawing SSI. The world has already accepted I deserve nothing less than misery, I might as wells top fighting it.