I don’t even know wtf my problem is anymore. For real. Yesterday I went from too depressed to even go to work, which hasn’t happened to me in almost three years, to absolutely out of my mind with energy and happiness by nightfall. This morning, I was agitated. I got to work, perfectly fine all day. Left work for my therapy appt, pissy trash by the time I got home.

I finished therapy and watched TV for a little while, made myself dinner (btw I only ate Frosted Flakes and 2 cups of goldfish all day due to leaving my lunch at home), and then like…raged. I needed to sort out my deliveries because some were for me, there were presents for my son and my niece somewhere, and kitchen utensils. All in like 8 packages/boxes bc target sent them all out separately??? I don’t get it.

Anyway I don’t have a box cutter for SH reasons, it would be too triggering, so I use a steak knife which I realize isn’t very safe but I GENERALLY don’t want to use it against myself. Except today I was ready to hurt myself, stab the walls, whatever I could get my hands on. I saw so many things I needed/wanted to do around the house but I couldn’t complete any because then I would see something else. I did manage to sort the packages and clean up my bedroom (every little thing on the floor that caught my eye made me mad so I threw it out).

I just HATE this I HATE how messed up I am and it’s not even bipolar, that’s whatever, but I’m SO TIRED of taking meds that are NOT WORKING and I just want to throw all of them out right now. I just think about one thing that’s wrong in my head or personality, like ok I should work on that, but then there’s another, and another, and another, so wtf should I work on first???? I feel like I will NEVER get out of this meds or not so why not throw them out the f’ing window right tf now.

But I can’t, because my life is a nightmare without anything, a much worse nightmare than right now, but I can’t even tell where bipolar ends and just general f’ed upness starts!!! Like am I mad at my mom? My ex husband? My life before RS? I’m most mad at myself for even BEING mad about that **** because it’s OVER MOVE TF ON.

I haven’t been taking night seroquel because I deserve to stay up all night staring at the ceiling and stewing and thinking about what an awful person I am.

F IT.