I feel like something is controlling me and trying to get me to

Same. But it's not real. Life is a philosophy type thing - We use our souls to guide us to be where we want. We can do anything, literally - And we have the strength to do it. It's rare that we can go through something as hard as we've been through before - Unless its exhaustion from the repetitiveness of it.. In that case, we have to take a break and heal. A Christian friend told me that God doesn't give us any more than we can handle <3