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stahrgeyzer
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Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: southern california
Posts: 2,238
5 yr Member
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 12:53 PM
 
@SprinkL3

Thanks for the info! It's a lot so I'm still processing it and will need to reread it a few times. Sorry you had to go through homelessness. It's a lot of hardship. Been there and done that enough. Hopefully I'll a permanent place next year but at least now I have access to things like a bathroom and kitchen. Thank goodness a refrigerator! No frig is horrible. Being 100% homeless and sleeping on benches in cold weather is the worse, though. I only had to do that for about a week. A homeless guy got in my bag and took things like a knife and later on said he was going to kill me. It didn't bother me because the thought of dying was like thinking about getting the best christmas present ever. That's how I still feel.


I'm glad you have an amazing T who cares a lot about you. Thought I had that with my 1st T. She was the best, but when life exploded and I found myself on a high bridge I called her for one last sliver of hope. She was furious on the phone, not caring at all. She yelled at me saying if I didn't go to the car now she's hanging up on me. I almost hung up on her and jumped, but she then said things to make me think she cared and was going to help me. She lied to me on the phone just to get me in a psych ward and then called me the next day in the psych ward to say she's permanently terminating me. Anyway I can't ever trust Ts again!! I tried opening up to my final T. She, I think, finally got frustrated and gave up on me and started giving lot of hints she wasn't able to help me. But she hung in there fear of hurting me knowing how much abandonment from my 1st T killed me. I ended therapy a few months ago.


My last T taught me DBT. Only problem is that if one doesn't want to live then it doesn't seem to work, at least for me. Every week or so my brain seems to change making me very suicidal and often do planning and self harm. The one and only thing that keeps me alive is fear that there's an afterlife. Religion was shoved down my throat in childhood and I was very spiritual most of my adult life. Everyone taught me that suicide leads to either permanent torture in a lake of fire or like 1000s of years in the pit of torture. No amount of rational reasoning can get me to override those beliefs/fears.


Anyway, I left my last T a few months ago. Few months ago I talked to an IFS therapist. She tried to get me to do therapy, but I chickened out. My parts beg me to go. People say nothing but good things about IFS. But I can't. Not sure if I'll ever be ready for therapy again. I'm probably permanently traumatized from 1st T. 2nd T was horrible and rarely spoke. Third T was young and inexperienced and gave up on me and made me feel anger toward her for not caring. DID T was out right scary to me. He would ask me weird scary questions. He was forceful and aggressive, had horrible eye contact always looking at ground or away, talked to other people on the phone or laptop in middle of therapy, sometimes for like 10 minutes straight. Besides that he was a very knowledgeable experienced "clinical neuropsychologist" who seemed to want to help me. I like how every week he would checkup on if I meditated, cooked my own meals, went for walks, etc. Made me feel like he cared.


Well, maybe some people can't be saved. Maybe that's why my last T gave up on me. A few things do help me. PRetending I'm an emotionless robot. Going on 1 to 2 hour long walks every day. Meditation. Cooking. Cleaning. And thinking that ultimately it really doesn't matter. That it's all pointless. Everything is relative. That in all the infinite, I'm nothing and I don't matter. That pain is just a perspective, a point of view, an illusion. That hardship and pain is no worse than wealth and happiness. ...I guess that's Nihilism. I do have a little bit of hope that one day I'll be fixed and see light at the end of the tunnel, actually be happy, lose nihilism. I think one of the worst things that ever happened to me was losing spirituality. That was like the nuke of all nukes.

Oh, and maybe this sounds weird, but for some reason for my entire adult life the only thing I can think & dream about is helping the whole world in a big way. It's kind of a curse though, maybe.
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Breaking Dawn, SprinkL3