Sunday should be interesting…

For the past week after my wife did what she did on the day before TGiving, I have just been emailing her responses to her questions. She attempted to call me several times last Saturday and Sunday. I did not pick up. She tried texting me, I did not text back. I kept a low profile. I am not trying to be rude, but I just want to establish boundaries where I am not getting yelled out, put down or told how horrible I am. And yet, how ironic is this, I am the one she accuses of being narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and gas lighting.

So apparently this approach has upset her. With each call I did not answer, she grew increasingly angry. What does she think or think of me that she can call and I come running to answer the phone? Does she think so little of me now that the expectations would be the same as if we were married? How does that work? So once she figured out that I am not picking up the phone, the texts started coming in and became increasingly snotty. And then finally, emails started coming in and I responded to her emails.

She texted me once again on Tuesday regarding something about one of our kids. I was aware of the upcoming event so I am not sure the text was needed. She started it off acknowledging that I am not answering her texts before getting into the body of the text. I found this odd, then if you know I am not responding to texts, why are you texting? I assume because she wants to find a way back into texting one another and see if she can breach my boundary again. At the end of her text she says something like she is only trying to be helpful and kind. That is like telling someone how smart you are! If you have to say it, you are not. She has been anything but helpful and anything but kind.

So when I received the text… I read it, processed it and wrote her an email back. Within a few minutes, she is calling me (maybe 1020pm). I did not pick up. I thought there is nothing we can talk about outside of the text that is already settled. Why call? What did she want to talk about? The message included the following days practice, time and location. There is nothing to discuss. Why call? If I am honest, I wonder if she wanted to engage or fight some more. Not something I want to do at 1020 at night. I was relaxing and getting ready for bed. I don’t want to be revved up and sad or angry.

The following day, Wednesday, she emails me at 1030am while I am at work. Nice… Like this could not wait until after 5pm? You have to rain on my workday while I am at work? Nice… But the email basically states she is coming over on Sunday (assume with friends) to pick up all of her clothes, a piece of furniture she wanted and other personal items. And that she does not want me present or the girls. I don’t think that is appropriate. So the girls will be off with the grandparents and I will be present as I am not comfortable with her being in the house and I am not present. The nice thing is that I have 4 friends coming over, bringing pizza and will act as witnesses. I am so thankful for them. So we plan on sitting there and watching her/them move stuff out so they are uncomfortable. I am so thankful for them to be present. I guess the other option was to contact the local Police Dept and see if an officer can come by and babysit. But I did not elect to do that. I think me and my 4 friends (witnesses) should be sufficient.

So anyway, this is upsetting again. She is grabbing all of her stuff out of the house and just another example of where this is going. She is entitled to her stuff, fine. But it seems odd that all of a sudden it is time to move on moving her stuff out. People are wondering if this is some sort of way for her to regain “control” of the situation or momentum. She very much likes being in control of this process since she filed. She has patterns of lifting me up, making me feel there is a chance and then lifting up and letting me fall to pieces. Lifting me up and then smashing me into pieces.

So the working theory is in the past week after she broke me, that I am not calling her, contacting her and not picking up the phone. She does not like this and expects me to be at her beck and call. So with the distance that I am putting inbetween us, she needed to find another mechanism to “stick it to me” buy coming by the house (3-days notice) and removing all of her personal items. They think this will make her feel better and that it may get her to feel like she is back in control of the process again. Since I am slowing things down and not contacting her.

I don’t know, they could be way off base and that works too. I know for me, creating space is beneficial because I have time to build strength and heal without having texts or phone calls to deal with. I cannot help buy feel in some way, that she is being abusive with playing with my emotions/head and then contacting me to engage/fight.

Everyone on my side seems to think she is struggling with telling herself she is making the right decision. I need to be the villain and she needs to be the victim in order to justify breaking this long term marriage up. She has eliminated all of her old friends, we assume, because her friends know me and may not understand why she is divorcing. So instead of feeling bad or having to plead her case to them, its easier to eliminate them.

She has a new set of friends, the divorced club, who appears to be welcoming her with open arms. So she runs to them and feels like she is apart of the club. They understand her feelings/intentions and support her so now she no longer has to feel guilty or like she has to explain herself for breaking up what most people consider a great or forever marriage.

I hope we are wrong about this assessment. But if even if remotely true… it sheds some insight into her new world. For me, the sadness is still present as I long for the relationship we HAD. But if I think about it more, I have my things that I am working on, but the signs start to point to her as well for having changed. I still refuse to accept 100% of the blame. It takes two… I am working on making myself better. She is working on re-fueling her anger/fury towards me to justify to herself that she is doing is the right thing.

So by distancing myself from her, I am not giving her any fuel to continue this crusade over me. Sadly, that may still result in us getting divorced in the end but at least I will not be constantly getting beat up. I do not think her stubbornness and/or ego will allow her to admit she may have over-stepped or made a mistake with this… tragic if you think about it.