I am hurt so deeply, I just wanted the pain to go, so I made the pain go away the best I know how. I trid the rubberband, the ice, everything. I even called my T- she was out and never returned my call. So I did what I did to make it all go away. Not even sure anymore if I want to stop the SI but I know I need to. Question is will I ever stop???? The tears are flowing and the feeling of guilt has come over me. Why do I do this, I know why I do but why does my head feel so bad that I have to SI to feel some sort of relief from the pain that I am feeling??? I tried to throw my collection of things away, I really did..but I started to cry when I did and now I am in panic. What happens if I need them and do not have them, I am afraid of what I will go looking for to make the pain go away. Does this make any sense to anyone or am I just really f***** in the head. I have basically given up on my therapist and Pdoc- they don't care no one does.