It makes me feel messed up though. Like they're always my fault. I know L says there's no good/bad, or fault. It's a dance between two people. But I just feel like I'm to blame because I'm the one who struggles with things like abandonment, rejection, relationships, or even object constancy. So I feel the blame.

This time, this rupture is about feeling like she's busier and doesn't have time for me. Of course, I take this deeper: she doesn't want me, I'm not important to her, she's going to stop loving me, she's going to leave me, etc. And that stirs up my issues with perfectionism or favoritism, etc. Which are all my issues; I own them. So it's my fault.

I am learning to bring up all my "multitudes" even the ones that might be me running into her humanness or mistakes. This time, she did admit, finally, to being busier. She explained the things that have changed for her. That really helped me feel more sane, like I can trust my instincts. It came down to word choice: busy/change vs seasons. The later felt like an excuse and minimized what I was feeling.

We still have issues to work on. It's not all better. But I'd say this rupture is now fixable. I think I really needed my intuition validated. Not that I'm always right, but that I'm not insane.