So I know I'm supposed to be working and I was but - sitting there answering a message I had this freaking huge aha moment about food and why I got so overweight - right out of a clear blue sky, like forrest gump would say - I don't know if I can even get it into words but I'll try. Growing up, food (like everything else) was very controlled and bla bla bla I didn't get the love/affection from my parents that I needed/wanted, my feelings were punished rather than accepted that's all old news and I'm over it but what the aha moment was - was that we did eat dinner around the kitchen table every night and apparently I began equating food/being fed with feeling cared about (ie they must love me because they feed me even if they don't show it and they hate my feelings) so in a very real sense food became love. slowly and gradually through therapy I learned to love myself and lost some of the excess weight in 2018 (that sadly I gained back 2/3's of after surgery in 2019) but again so very gradually I learned that I was even worth taking care of and made the decision in July of this year to be accountable to myself, to take care of myself, and since then I've lost back what I had regained plus another 10 lbs and I'm taking care of myself in other ways - by eating healthy foods and walking/swimming and maintaining my shamanic practices. Whew. I don't know if any of that makes sense but it feels just huge to me.