Rather than thinking about blame, is it useful to think about responsibility? As other people have said above, blame isn't a particularly valuable response because it's too blunt. Our relationships and emotions are far more nuanced and intricate than blame allows.

However, being able to work out what I am responsible for in a rupture is a part of my work. For example, I don't blame myself for being hostile towards my therapist, but I am responsible for identifying my feelings and processing them. My hostility is often *my* transferential response from *my* past: it is mine and she is not responsible for it. When she responds with defensiveness that is from *her* stuff: her feelings are not my responsibility.

Working out what is hers and what is mine helps me during ruptures and it helps me better understand my boundaries. I am not always very good at this and I still sometimes want to blame her for everything, but I can at least speak about being angry or blameful rather than lashing out. Sometimes.