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I think some of you might comment that his attending my graduation would be a boundary violation, but that "labeling" of this issue doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

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Sunrise you are intelligent and self aware enough to know if this is a boundary issue for you or not. Again I admire you for being able to acknowledge these feelings and attempt to deal with them, instead of denying them and suppressing them.

My initial superficial response to your post was: 1) call your T and schedule your normal weekly appointment to get rid of your avoidance anxiety, 2) During that appointment state that the discussion about the self defense graduation caused a lot of mixed feelings that you want to discuss. 3) Tell him that you got the impression that he would like to attend this graduation and this really caused a lot of anxiety and you want help getting to the bottom of it. Wow, it is so easy to deal these issues, NOT!

Now for a more thoughtful response:

Here is what I saw when I read your post. Please help me correct me if I am wrong.

<font color="red"> Disclaimer: Just want to remind everyone reading this post that I have major attachment issues so I shouldn't even be trying to comment on this topic. </font>

1. When I read your post it seems like you are cycling through feelings of wanting his attention, acknowledgment, approval, sharing in this experience, but at the same time not wanting these things. Is this correct? The reasons you listed for not wanting him to attend seem based on past experiences when someone who was very important to you and who you really wanted/needed their approval instead let you down. You expected (anticipated/need) your mom to be proud of you, to make you feel good but instead she was critical and made you feel bad ruining the fun and making you feel like you failed. You are afraid that this pattern of wanting or anticipating someone's approval but instead getting belittled will happen again?? You don't want to risk having a negative outcome.

If this was the only issue at play, you've already recognized the transference and your anxiety over this issue would likely be manageable. But it is not, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

What else could be at play???

2. Interpreting a conveyed message. Adding to the conflicting mix of feelings is the wondering if you are interpreting what your T was implying correctly. (You seem pretty sure that you interpreted his wanting to come to your graduation correctly--so this might not be an issue here). However, since he did not say "I would love to attend your graduation," there is a small chance that you interpreted what he was implying incorrectly. If you are to openly discuss this situation with him, he could come back and say, "NO, NO, you misunderstood, I have no interest in actually going." "I have a lot of better things to do than see you kick some guys butt." I think you've likely been though this with your H and other relationships. Maybe the avoidance is related to you not wanting to risk knowing for sure what he meant. I am one who will avoid being rejected by either avoiding the whole situation altogether or by rejecting the other person first. I know you are not me so this may be totally off base.

What else??

3. Therapeutic relationship boundaries:
His attendance at this event also raises concerns/ questions about about where the boundaries of your individual therapeutic relationship actually are. You know that your relationship is unique and that your T is more "connected" to you than what others here on PC describe. You seem to like this but it also worries you a bit too. You outlined your rationale for why, in your situation, his attendance would not be a boundary violation. But its a gray area and you probably have some counter arguments too. Could your avoidance be related to not wanting to risk discussing the boundaries of this relationship for fear that things might change? Again, I know we are very different but there are times in my therapeutic relationship where I would really like to ask for clarification but don't. For me the fear that I may create more of a problem, raise some therapy warning flag, or risk showing some vulnerability is too great.

I hope you find something in this rambling post that is helpful.