Butterfly I'd love to compliment you on ALL the positive actions you did!You obviously are very strong,that is helpful!I say this bc you tried many coping strategies: rubberband, ice, called your T (Keep calling T ok) and still did not SI that is awesome Butterfly & amazing! To throw away the SI paraph
takes the utmost in emotional strength (oh yes I understand). You can get better!! There are meds to help you with your issue. But most important Butterfly You've got to know people do care about you, they(& at PC also) Love You. I do. You are a living, precious life. An incredible creation.You have a problem ,true, but wow you should see the cheering fans You have here, at PC alone, that WANT & WILL help you if you choose.
When you said "What happens if I need them(SI things) & you do not have them, ..I will go looking to make the pain to go away" You may want to handle this as an addiction - using The 12 Steps you don't have to face difficult decisions & choices every single day.You make one decision to Love yourself and others. Please keep writing. Hope I helped