You can be very angry, hurt or disappointed by what someone did without concluding that they’re a bad human. What they did truly sucked but you don’t have to write them off as a person. You also don’t have to excuse it.

Rationalizing the way you’re talking about sounds is a way of rushing to forgiveness without allowing the relationship to experience the full messiness of anger and hurt. How comfortable are you with your own anger? How comfortable are you telling someone that they’ve hurt you?

I find that part really hard and I’d prefer to just decide that something isn’t a big deal or find empathy for the other person’s situation so I can explain their actions to myself. And then I can conveniently sidestep the really uncomfortable “you really hurt my feelings” conversation. Incidentally I also like to spend a lot of time judging how rational or justified my anger is. (Turns out anger doesn’t actually care.)

The problem is, that’s an important conversation to be able to initiate. And its important to know you can love someone, be angry with them, work it through, and come out the better for it.

So I think, who cares what her reasons are, she hurt you, you should tell her and practice experiencing the whole cycle of hurt, communication and repair.