@Nammu I could send a PM to say the same, but I hope you don't mind me just saying it here -- thank you for your response to my worries about taking a controlled substance. You've really helped me put into perspective what is going on. I have a friend who is a APRN who told me just as much as you did, that scheduled substances are so because dumb people did dumb things with them and ruined it for the rest of us. (in a round about way of speaking, lol). I've done a bit of reading on the subject matter at hand (like opioids, stimulants are also schedule II drugs in the US, but unlike opioids, the risk of addiction or dependency is very low when taken at therapeutic dosages). That was really reassuring to read, and to also read it's not expected or common to get a "high" at those dosages either.

I was able to to get my drug screening in and pick up my medicine yesterday. So, red tape didn't last long I guess. I have decided the only way I know if things will work for me is to try them (common sense sometimes is the best approach to get me to do what needs to be done, lol). I took my first dose yesterday (probably a little too late to be honest -- I didn't sleep the best, but I had the courage to take it then, so I did. It's immediate release formula I am to take twice a day, so taking it then won't really mess up starting on a morning/afternoon schedule) I felt alert, but calm. I don't know what I was expecting, but I'm also glad to know now at least in general how it may affect me. I'll give it a fighting chance. Nammu is right, my psychiatrist is more than willing to listen to my concerns. We talked at length at why a stimulant is first line, and as long as I was OK with trying it, it is where we both decided to go in the first place.


So, to sum it up -- my fears aren't gone and I do feel like I have to hide the fact I am taking it, but that's nothing I can really control at the moment. These drugs exist for a reason, they are therapeutic, and taking things as prescribed limits issues. Abuse potential is just that -- potential. Dependency is another issue, but as I stated earlier, research shows with stimulants that isn't really a severe issue with proper usages. I have to advocate for myself. I can't let fear dictate feeling better. End goal is to be well enough to not only survive, but have a quality of life again. That's all I am striving for. Therapy, meds... they are all stepping stones.

Today I will go grocery shopping. I dread today, because it does become an all day affair because my mother wants to hit every store in town, or at times even the same store at a different location for "better selection" lol. I get it, but man is it frustrating to not just pick everything up at one place for convenience. You gotta admire her commitment to savings and certain store-brands though! Once I get through that it'll be smooth sailing today. I have therapy tomorrow and I think I have plenty to talk about there. Everything I do anymore feels so much like a last-ditch effort and that's part of what sparks my panic about medicine and treatment options. We've exhausted everything and if this doesn't work.. where else can we go, you know? I don't mean to constantly go on about my struggles-- I really don't. I just wish I had more going on in my life than just struggling right now haha.


Thanks everyone for reading. I do appreciate all of you who take the time to wish me well or just silently send up thoughts for me. It means the world