Hi, it has been a long time since I have posted here. I find myself in a situation where I have no one to talk to. No one to bounce ideas off of. Eight years ago I was diagnosed with BPD. I was hospitalized, spent tons on therapy (went through 4 therapists and a psychiatrist), I was on medications until I couldn't stand them anymore. Finally I checked out books from the library about brains, healthy normal brains to figure out how I could heal my brain.

I have made huge strides towards becoming well. I meditate everyday. I do yoga everyday. I eat good nutritious foods everyday. I breathe. I relax. I watch myself and moods and alter my activities accordingly to adjust for them. Chocolate helps, with an occasional Xanax (a prescription of 20 lasted me a year). I am healthy. I am well.

Until last Thursday. Last Thursday I found myself in the bottom of my tub wondering why the hell I didn't just kill myself. The only reasons I could come up with was I didn't want the kids to find me and I needed to go to work.

I have had a difficult year and a half. In October 2006, I decided my husband's behavior was intolerable. He was gambling, drinking and staying out all night without calling. I finally came to the point in my healing where I felt I shouldn't have to put up with this so I stood up to him and wouldn't back down. I made him go to marital therapy with me and continued to hold my ground. January 2007, we decided to seperate on the pretense of him "growing up and working on himself." In July of 2007 I found out he had started having an affair back in October when his behavior started to get bad. He left me to be with her is how I look at it. I could be wrong. She dumped in in May. In June he started being nice to me again. In July I found out about the affair. I went to a divorce attorney. Told him it was over.

In August I found out my Grandma had bone cancer. She decided against chemo she was over 80. She died in October.

My son glued his eyes shut in November which was a quick, scary emergency room trip. Then got a pilonidal sist and had to get operated on a couple of months ago. We are still working with the wound. Packing it every day.

Long story short, I have had a hard year and a half but have done well. Yes I cried. Yes, I screamed. Yes I bemoaned my fate BUT I never hurt myself. Not once. (I have been a self injurer since I was 12.) I didn't even get close.... Until last Thursday.

So now I am scared. Am I going to lose all the gains I have made? Is this the discent down into dispair? Has it finally gotten too much for me? My daughter graduates this year, I signed up at a tech college for bookkeeping class. Is it too much? Or is it just a hick-up in my head?

I went to the doctor yesterday. Got a prescription for wellbutrin but honestly I don't think I am depressed. But I should be after all I have dealt with. Yesterday I printed off the list of symptoms for depression. I don't fit them. I am just so scared of being sick again. So very scared.
Zen