So horribly depressed today. I mean awful. I felt I couldn’t even get up off the couch. I picked up the living room enough to make it look like I did something useful while RS was out at a job but that’s about it. The anxiety was awful, just twisting my heart and stomach into knots. I took Xanax. I thought I was going to cry, which means bad, I never cry. Even when RS got home, I snuggled a bit but I had to get up, it was making things worse, I just kept thinking I need to SH, he needs to see I’m not worthy, he needs to leave and take my son away from me so I can’t hurt them anymore.

I haven’t showered in three days and that was the only place I felt I could go. Double bonus because I got clean. I just stood with the hot water running on me. I felt calmer after, and watched one of my fav stupid-yet-entertaining movies (mystery men) with RS for distraction. Then we had fun going through all the horror titles in the Amazon prime section. There was one about an evil llama sent from space that “terrifies college partiers” LOL. It was literally some sort of muppety like llama with glowing red eyes and one of the taglines was “there’s something wrong with that f’ing llama!” FOR REAL I LOVE IT. I don’t like horror but I think I’m going to start watching these obviously terrible ones just for fun.

I’m in bed now and took seroquel. Waiting for it to kick in. I gotta escape to sleep.