Hello dear reader.

As you perhaps read in my introduction thread, I have told about myself and about my story having bipolar disorder, how I got it and so on. I’m 37 male living in Sweden and got my bipolar disorder by failed medical treatment from my hospital, which triggered the disorder and evolved it from heavy depression into bipolar. Today it’s diagnosed (as in its exact form) “bipolar unspecified” - since it’s neither Type I or II.

Since 2014 I’ve taking my new medicines, Ergenyl Retard and Olanzapine. I work even today as a teacher, despite that I’ve had burnt out myself mentally (first time in 2011 when I’ve got my disease) four times. But, I love my profession despite all of this and today I know how to not overworking and exhausting myself for something no one will thank you or remembering you for.

Currently, I have now to deal with some panic attacks. It’s a newer for me since I’ve never before had this much anxiety in my life. Also, my situation at my current job since early spring this year is not as steady as it once was. Especially when my previous school administrator stabbed me in the back by writing wrong things about me - even though that same school administrator knew my disorder, joined me to my meetings with my psychiatrist nurse AND doctor not once but THREE times. All of this made a huge impact on me, especially when I was so much loyal to the school and to this school administrator. If anyone asked me to do any favour, I did without a blink. If school administrator or any other colleague asked me to stay longer in school and help them - I did. I was there no matter what it was. That is why all of this is taking me and my family so hard.

I also use one of my important apps - White Noise (you can buy it in AppStore or Play Market for very cheap money) - and only one relaxing melody called “Evening Marsh” (since it remembers me from my childhood when I hunted in dark for crickets and firebugs in a swamp as a kid). No other melodies work for me except that one. Also, I have now seeing in private an professional psychotherapist who developed an breathing method so I can use it when those panic attacks gets critical. The method is like this:

Breathe in deeply as much as you can and count 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004 and breathe out and count in your head 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004. Repeat that in a “square”.

This was today of my diary. Oh, yes, my medicines. Almost forgot. I’m using 2,5mg olanzapine at night 20:00 along with 2x 300mg Ergenyl Retard. In the morning 1x 300mg Ergenyl Retard. I also have Zopiclone 7,5mg (Pilum) as backup IF I can’t fell naturally in sleep. I use only one pill (max 2) and it knocks me out after exactly 40 min. Not does it only knocks me out (I had this one too since 2011), it also erase every dream. So, when I wake up next day, it’s as if everything was in some black void or something. It just was black and empty. Erased. This is how that medicine reacts on me - so I can only tell this after using it 10 years and six months. ALWAYS consulate with your doctor FIRST. Glad that all of these medicines I’ve wrote about here can only be on recipe written out by a professional doctor in psychiatric. Especially the last one.

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