Again, Owlie, so much of what you write is very familiar to me. "Children should be seen and not heard", was frequently repeated in our house. Especially when other adults were around! My parents LOVED to hear what well-behaved children people thought us to be; but it never occurred to them to compliment us on behaving so well, or (God forbid!) rewarding us for making such a good impression for them. It was simply a baseline expectation.

WE got spankings when the impression was that we were becoming a little hard to handle. Smack them back into line was the thinking. But it was only ever me and my brother---never the youngest sister, who was the fomenter of much of what was going on in the first place. I could write a novel on that topic, alone.

My husband and I kind of bonded over the strange atmospheres in both of our childhood houses. He joked and laughed about his situation; but I felt for him, as it was clear he did not receive enough love, compliments, guidance, or affection. He joked and called it "The Gulag". But I could see there were scars there. His father was especially hard on him, and repeatedly implied that he was absolutely useless at anything. This is not the case---husband was treated like I was: Show initiative >>> get told how you're doing everything WRONG! As it turns out, we're both really good at so many things we try. He's great at developing elegant, inexpensive and effective solutions to a lot of the ordinary things that can go wrong around a house. We renovated two homes together (the one we were selling, and the one we were moving into), and friends couldn't get over what neat, attractive, professional jobs we did.

So, I had to wait until I was almost 45 before I received any kind of validation that I was hard-working, capable, and smart, and could complete what I started. And still, getting my Dad to say anything positive was like asking him for his last kidney. But he finally did --- he had to admit we had done a great job.

I learned a long, long time ago to give myself the compliments I was looking for from other people. And to value myself, my efforts, and my hard work.

Periodically, I still have to remind myself to do that.

I do sometimes wonder how different my life circumstances would have been if they had only done the simplest things in another, more positive, nurturing way.