Happy Sunday everyone. I think I've mentioned it before, but I really dislike Sundays. I never have enjoyed them and there really isn't a reason why. It's just another day.

I'm doing alright today. To be fair to myself, I am doing better than OK but because I tend to fluctuate a lot I find being modest about where I am makes my mood seem more stable by playing a more neutral ground. I feel fine, would be more appropriate, for today. I haven't any plans and I feel like I'm just trying to burn the day away. It's only early afternoon and I am ready to go to bed lol. I've already taken a bath and had lunch and well, I'm not sure what else to do today. I may study something (as you guys know -- that's my go-to fun activity as weird as that is) or place some games. I'll figure out something to be sure, it's just a matter of settling on something.

Just a little catch-up, my appointments are gonna be slowing down some. My mood is much more stable and I've been on mood med for long enough to say it is effectively working. Unless something changes, there really isn't much need for the week/two week appointments. Beyond that, anxiety/ADHD meds are currently in trial but are promising. I feel like this may be the thing that finally works, but I won't get my hopes up to be let down. Unless it just stops seeming to work, I think we may have finally found something to cover all symptoms I experience. I have to commend my psychiatrist for not giving up, because I had. Therapy on the other hand will continue weekly. We are still in a get-to-know-you phase, but she does leave me with strategies and tips to help me every session. It's nice that I can focus on the pressing things in the moment rather than have a strict -- "today we do this" -- type of deal. Structured but flexible is a nice touch in my opinion.

I'm really not looking forward to Christmas this year. I am having to go to my brother's house in another state. We're flying there. First and foremost I want to let it be known I wasn't invited, my mom was. My mom insisted I had to go as well and went in on half for my ticket with my brother. [My living situation is a little complicated -- but my mom is independent, despite her claims I have to be here "to help her" , which is her excuse for me having to go with her to my brothers]. My brother and I don't tend to see eye-to-eye on a lot. Conversations don't have to get deep and they are usually fine, but we have some history that still affects me. He thinks poorly of me, and if he knew anything about me (we didn't grow up together and he was too busy raising a family and being a dad/husband in another state to really put too much into our relationship -- which was fine by me. I know that statement sounds as if I'm being judgemental but I'm not. Part of the problem is my brother blames me for not wanting to try to force a relationship and bond that I feel should have, or would have happened, growing up. It's just a little too late and I have no want to try to make it happen. He has some religious views that are concerning to me plus and he has used my nieces and nephews against me in the past because he was angry with me. I don't like the idea of 10 days with him. I just don't. Or going to a church that has had three (count them, three) sermons [my mom watches them on youtube] on how transgendered people are trying to convert and control the youth on tiktok, or how Joe Biden is the antichrist, or [insert other outrageous claim that is well beyond any scope of the teaching of Christianity in my personal, humble opinion and extorted for personal reasons]. I leave in 9 days. I'll try to make the best of it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I read something the other day and really stuck with me and I thought I might share it as I think it's rather appropriate for a mental health forum. Basically it was about being kinder to ourselves. We struggle, we all struggle -- and no one wants to suffer. Anyone who can look on in judgement and pretend there's a simple solution either doesn't see the whole picture, is oblivious to reality, or just a jerk. Finding a remedy for our suffering isn't easy, but it's worth working toward. Don't get discouraged by those who don't understand. I say that from personal experience - there are still days I feel I can't be "fixed" and I hide away in my room away from the world. I'm trying to be a bit kinder to myself today, and recognize that while I do suffer, and I hurt -- I am trying to find my path forward to a quality of life and that's the only thing that should matter, and the only person who it should matter to, is me and those I love. Just something to help keep the negativity in check. I need it sometimes.