I wanted to self harm today. I was kind of close. Closer than I have been in a while to actually acting on the urges. But I didn't. I looked at some of my scars and asked myself if I wanted more scars. I massaged my arms instead of hurting them. I texted my therapist and even though I am not in crisis, she wants to schedule a session. I'm like, okay. Whatever. I was fine not seeing her but maybe it will be good to talk about things. I am trying to feel my emotions. Not let them get bottled up. Not push them away or aside but just feel the emotions of disappointment and being let down. And maybe my ego is bruised. I don't know. I feel a little teary eyed but not like I can cry or anything like that. Just a bit of moisture in my eyes.


I have aftercare from IOP tonight. I am kind of looking forward to it and kind of not. It's on shame and resilience which is a tough topic and I think I am feeling some shame about myself today. Like I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. I am not smart enough. I am not worthy. So I am recognizing this. And knowing that those statements lead to feeling shame and I am not wanting to get stuck in shame. Shame leads to self harm. And I am worth not self harming. This is what I am telling myself. It's kind of dumb. But maybe it will help me.