My Support Forums - View Single Post - Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother

nonightowl · Dec 14, 2021 at 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

Again, Owlie, so much of what you write is very familiar to me. "Children should be seen and not heard", was frequently repeated in our house. Especially when other adults were around! My parents LOVED to hear what well-behaved children people thought us to be; but it never occurred to them to compliment us on behaving so well, or (God forbid!) rewarding us for making such a good impression for them. It was simply a baseline expectation.

WE got spankings when the impression was that we were becoming a little hard to handle. Smack them back into line was the thinking. But it was only ever me and my brother---never the youngest sister, who was the fomenter of much of what was going on in the first place. I could write a novel on that topic, alone.

My husband and I kind of bonded over the strange atmospheres in both of our childhood houses. He joked and laughed about his situation; but I felt for him, as it was clear he did not receive enough love, compliments, guidance, or affection. He joked and called it "The Gulag". But I could see there were scars there. His father was especially hard on him, and repeatedly implied that he was absolutely useless at anything. This is not the case---husband was treated like I was: Show initiative >>> get told how you're doing everything WRONG! As it turns out, we're both really good at so many things we try. He's great at developing elegant, inexpensive and effective solutions to a lot of the ordinary things that can go wrong around a house. We renovated two homes together (the one we were selling, and the one we were moving into), and friends couldn't get over what neat, attractive, professional jobs we did.

So, I had to wait until I was almost 45 before I received any kind of validation that I was hard-working, capable, and smart, and could complete what I started. And still, getting my Dad to say anything positive was like asking him for his last kidney. But he finally did --- he had to admit we had done a great job.

I learned a long, long time ago to give myself the compliments I was looking for from other people. And to value myself, my efforts, and my hard work.

Periodically, I still have to remind myself to do that.

I do sometimes wonder how different my life circumstances would have been if they had only done the simplest things in another, more positive, nurturing way.

I saw the writer Frances Lebowitz being interviewed and she talked about being raised in the 1950's. She said her parents seemed to think it was their job to instruct or teach her things, not show affection and give praise as well. I was raised in the 60's so not far behind. And that mindset still existed.

She gave the example of how when she asked can she have a cookie, her mom said "You say MAY I have a cookie". Stuff like that.

My parents were like that too, thinking to provide for us and teach us the right things to say or the right way TO say it. I was corrected on grammar and manners, heaven forbid I say "frig" instead of "refrigerator." It sent my dad into a tailspin who was obsessed about my referring to things with the right terms or phrases. He hated abbreviations or slang. Like you said, it's like I'm asking him to give up a kidney rather than lighting up.

I didn't get praised for behaving either, but I sure got scolded if I didn't. It was over 50 years ago and I still remember when my mom took me along to the bank. (In those days, we didn't even have ATM's. And online banking? LOL Sounds like the Stone Age)

I still remember that long line, as the banks were only open till 6pm one day a week: Friday. She told me to go sit on this bench to wait for her. She then said, "And be quiet. Don't bother people." And I listened. Did I get praised? No.

My old boyfriend had a similar upbringing, and he's still my best friend. Yet I think we both turned out great in spite of our upbringing.

Like you I have to give myself compliments, give myself credit, tell myself I matter and I'm important and a good person. No one else will do it. And I'm ESSENTIAL unlike the government thinks.

I often wonder what my life would have been if I were an only child. No older brother for them to favor. It would be just me.

BTW, in spite of being in the same household, my aunt (dad's sister) was nothing like him. She had a warmth he lacked, and she had so much empathy for people, as well as insight into them. She was much older than him, and I could see they were not (and probably never were) close. That's sad, as that dynamic might have passed to us.

If my parents didn't value relationships, how could they want their offspring to have a relationship? Why would they think it important? OR having a relationships WITH US as well??? They sure missed out.