Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves
Writers do not die rich. Hell, they don't even die out of debt. Just ask Stephen King. I can't even do warehouse work because my back is too unreliable, and all I keep getting are stupid frelling ads from Indeed for companies a) outside of Austin, b) warehouses that want 12 hour shifts and require heavy lifting, and c) Bankers Life sales.
At this point, I contribute nothing and am nothing but a drain on society. I cannot point to a single thing I do in my life that cannot be done faster and better by anyone else. And journalism is dead. You either tow the Ministry of Truth's line and write newspeak, or you disappear, along with any career aspirations you may have had. College for what? I'm interested in nothing.
Yes, I'm writing from the middle of the storm, but that is where I usually find myself most days, anyway, and in that storm, I can see clearly that my options are rattling around like the final two or three grains of sand in an hourglass.
There is no greater hell than to know oneself to be leading a pointless existence. There's no other horizons to reach for. There's no other hills to climb. I've died on all of them. I hate my existence, not just my life, and I can no longer afford to just keep existing in the vague and vain hope that Something Better will come along, because there is no coming along when one has stopped cold and has no forward momentum.
I hate Austin. I hate that I wasted money to move here. I hate that I am now financially stuck here. I hate being dependent on others with no way to move forward. I now truly understand Van Gogh's dilemma. He, too, felt that weight of being burdensome to others.
"During those days people will seek death but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them." Revelations 9:6
"Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them." Matthew 25:29
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I love how you write! There's just something about your writing that interests me. You definitely have a talent!
I'm sorry that you are struggling with so many things, and that there are too many obstacles right now. I hope that you're able to move in the future. From what you said, it sounds like you don't like where you live.
I'm fortunate for making new friends online and having a great therapist where I moved, but I truly don't like the politics where I live. If I even tried to find a job or get into college, I'd be shot down and discriminated against. I'm struggling with a different hurdle of unlikeability - not really due to my mental illness per se, but rather with my appearance: I'm middle-aged (ageism), I'm Asian (racism), and I'm obese (whatever ism that is, if it even exists - maybe a form of ableism, but who knows). I'm also short, which doesn't help when bullies can easily pick on you. My obesity does ward off other forms of harassment, however.
Are you on disability insurance or compensation of any kind? If so, can you live with that? If not, can you apply for that? Every state's SSA office runs differently, so some states are easier to get appointments than others, and some states are more lenient in terms of granting disability than others. But all states will accept appeals, and sometimes it takes a lawyer to help you win your appeal. It sounds like you'd meet the requirements of disability, given your physical and mental challenges.
I truly wanted to rehabilitate and get an education and return to work one day. This pandemic ruined those chances for me - on all fronts. My health has deteriorated, and people hate the way I look. They hate "fat" people and they hate "Asian-looking" people. I know that's an over-generalization of the situation, and most people are kind and what not, but the reality is, discrimination, segregation, hate, and divisions have increased, which makes it hard for the elderly to find work, the disabled to find work, minorities to find work, and obese persons to find work.
I once said that it's okay to be optimistically pessimistic, insofar that you're a realist and very cautious about the times and the risks of the times. Your feelings and concerns are valid, but it's sad when you put yourself down.
Perhaps you don't want to change and instead want people to just accept you as you are. Perhaps you just need a break to just be you and find a way to enjoy something in life, lest you struggle with anhedonia or the like (the inability to feel pleasure, which is a neurological issue, and which may explain treatment-resistant conditions including depression and perhaps even personality disorders).
Have you asked yourself what you would like out of life? Would you like to heal, to find a job, to have friends, to move to a better location, etc.? It seems that you wanted to find work, but that you struggled with finding the right job for you.