So L I was thinking tonight about how when we were talking about other losses in my life like my grandma and my dad, you said "and J". I'm thinking about why you brought her into that. Was it because you still think I initiated this ending because I wanted to leave you before you could leave me (like happened with J?) I know you'd brought up that possibility when we first began discussing this ending. Our ending doesn't really compare to how I left J though - the reason I left her when I did was because I already knew she was leaving in another week, and you have no plans of moving away again (at least not that you've told me). And of course ours was a very different relationship. With J it wasn't something that could be continued anyway outside of the... um.... OH **** I think I understand what you were getting at now. There IS a similarity isn't there???!?!?!??!!?! Holy ****. Yeah, I'm gonna table this for further thinking/writing when I'm not sleepy. **** **** **** son of a *****. Damn, you're good. This is gonna take some working through. I know how to work with it. You have taught me very well, my dearest L.

Anyway!!! Once I understood about the whole fantasy-you thing, and began letting her go, it was like, that internal push I'd been feeling to 'step through the door' into the next stage of my psychological development became so strong I couldn't NOT. And I feel it even more strongly now that I was right - that as long as I continued therapy that next stage wouldn't happen, and o how I was needing it to happen!! The little series of sand trays I did was really helpful in that regard - esp the one I did yesterday, I love that one so much and I'm going to print one of the pics I took and frame it too, like the other one. It felt so alive. And made me feel so strong, like by going through with this ending I have claimed my own power, and am now my own queen, like I said. I usually don't feel as strongly about naming them as I did yesterday either - "Home" was the only fitting name for it. I am home (and whole) inside myself. And I have that version of you in my heart that will always be there, so in that sense, you'll always be with me anyway. I told you yesterday those things that I will miss about coming there, but you know, a couple of those things I can re-create by journeying and maybe even in dreams.

I love you. I knew I didn't need to say it yesterday. Cuz it's kinda like well duh. And, even though I understand now that I don't really know you, still, I love the you that I do know, and I always will.