yeah as soon as I feel something becomes a demand I can't do it even if I want to.


I really enjoyed lockdown because no-one could demand I socialised with them and cos I could use the excuse of being in shielded group to avoid all pressure.


Found it hard in summer when rules were relaxed, just avoided answering any texts to meet, or told t them vaccine didn't work for me. It really is a very deep rooted fear or compulsion to avoid anything I feel will result in me having to go back to 'wearing a mask' again on a regular basis. I've found socialising (face-to-face) so exhausting and just seem to have stopped enjoying it.


Looking forward to xmas day to seeing family but I know they've got me a switch OLED and several bottles of my favourite drink so all set for the next lockown!


Though someone sending me a card who I had forgotten about triggered angry feelings cos as usual .... it was how are you? disguising the fact what they really wanted to know was when I was gonna agree to meetup with them...my brain immediately saw this as a 'demand' and triggers anger and resentment because they've rudely burst my lovely bubble of isolation plans for the rest of winter after xmas day.



The part that hates demands wanted to ignore it, pretend I didn't get it, let them think I'd died of covid etc. The part that knows the minimum engagement we have to comply with to be left alone is saying ..'you have to answer, cos if she goes to family to find out whether we're in hospital with covid or something it will cause even more trouble then they'll watch us more'

so l literally had to force myself to send one back, with the little voice in my head saying 'you missed the word 'love' off, they included it...and me feeling I was forcing my hand to write the word 'love' in front of 'from'! ..with enough excuses to give me another couple of months peace before spring!


And I know it sounds awful, but I was just getting so I felt I could 'be myself' and enjoy doing things as me without the 'social mask of conformity'

My relationship with my sibling has really improved and I've enjoyed visiting them through the pandemic as there's been no social expectation to have to go out (like to a pub/restaurant) just have relaxing BBQ in their garden or something.


I'm beginning to wonder if I actually have Pathological Demand Avoidance (now recognised as a sub type of Autism) because I fit the symptoms and my childhood behaviour fit the symptoms they listed for PDA kids..particularly the masking/role-play and fantasy used as a coping strategy to be able to meet daily demands and the intense anxiety around 'going out' and demands from having friends etc. ..and that the hormonal disruption from going through menopause combined with the intense isolation from shielding through the pandemic has intensified all the things I had once got an handle on previously?


so it's not that just that I'm afraid of people but that I struggle to cope with the 'demands' they place on me?