Did you ever feel like you were chasing your tail? I feel as though I am running in circles with T. And each time I feel like I am getting somewhere or making the connection I need to make he says something that totally ungrounds me and I feel as though I am falling through the spaces again.

Tonight I was trying to sort out some feelings that came up over the last few weeks and our latest rupture. While we were talking he said to me that he wishes I would just show my anger at him instead of taking it out on myself. For some reason I felt even worse when he said this, as if I can't "do it right." (therapy)

He said that there is a something in the way I go to a wounded place that makes him feel as though I am blaming him for something. I told him that he seemed angry and he said he was not angry, but he was being clear. I told him he was picking a fight and he should shut up. He said he wouldn't shut up because this is a relationship. At one point I put my hands on my face and told him I felt very small. All the while I was coloring with pencils.

On the way home I became overwhelmed with feelings of wanting to hurt myself and intense suicidal ideation. I pulled over on the highway to clear my head for a minute and left him a message on his machine. Now he's probably pissed because he doesn't like a lot of phone calls, prefers to keepem to a minimum and bring as much as possible into session.

I sometimes feel like I just don't know how much more of this I can do. Meanwhile I had a dream the other night about him calling me and telling me he would be hugging me occasionally if it was okay with me........go figure.

Lost in my head.