I'm a mixed kinda depressed. I depressed about the situation that this world is in, and I'm depressed about how I've lost my purpose and have no future. I'm angry-depressed, anxious-depressed, suppressed-depressed, and proactively depressed (in other words, I'm managing my depression the best I can).

I don't really get SAD during the winter times; I love the cold, actually! Perhaps the scars on my arms and my obese body and 47-year-old-approaching-perimenopause-self are contributing to my liking cold seasons like fall and winter better than warmer seasons like spring and summer. I thought September was fall, but I found out that my particular birthday in September is still considered "summer." I hate summer. I can tolerate spring. But both seasons give me SAD - the spring and summer. So I'm the opposite. I still have SAD, but it's the opposite of most who get the blues during fall and winter.

I also love waking up super early - before most people wake up - like around 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. or sometime just before 4 a.m. I imagine getting ready for some mission, some project, or something else. I'd have the quiet of the night to wake up, eat, tidy up my apartment, plan my day, and then get started on my day. I typically check mail, get packages, dump trash, and dump recycling around these hours, and then I shower after that. I do so because that way I can remain as safe from lingering coronavirus in the shared airspaces of my apartment complex, as well as because I can avoid most neighbors during those hours. Once I'm done, I remove all my PPE, strip, wash my hands, wash my glasses, wash my hands again, shower, then change into clean/new clothes, groom, and retreat back to my safe bedroom (doors remain closed with two air purifiers inside), where I update my spreadsheets, socialize online like here, check email, and relax for a few hours before I decide what I can do for the remainder of the day. Most often than not, I'm indoors and not going out at all. That will eventually change when I start to walk outside every few days in the morning or afternoons, depending. I try to avoid the neighbors who stopped being my friend, over their wanting to be all antimask and what not, since running into them is tough. I'd prefer to live in a new building with strangers, so that if they want to antimask and avoid me, at least they wouldn't be my so-called former friends - who got along with me before the pandemic, but not after. And that's not my fault; it's just the way this pandemic has divided people. There's no way to unify people, because beliefs run deep, as does polarization. And this is a global issue, more so than a national or local one. That's why tribalism is back in social fashion these days.

I haven't found my tribe, so I'm super lonely. Loneliness is what I feel on top of depression. I think my loneliness causes my depression, but they are two very distinct feelings and states of being. With loneliness, it's both physical loneliness (living alone, being single, not having any close relationships), psychosocial loneliness (not feeling a sense of bonding with anyone, and even fearing closeness), and perceived loneliness (feeling like people just tolerate me instead of truly liking me). With depression, however, I don't need a reason to feel depressed sometimes. I can be depressed just for no reason at all but the way I'm feeling. It's hard to describe sometimes, especially since I dissociate and have mixed forms of depression.